BAD NEWS ON THE BULGING BONER FRONT
In my previous posting, I expressed how comforted I was by the fact that 28% of women would be quite happy to tickle my tiny todger because they don't care about size. However, I spoke too soon. This morning, I received a new email with the stunningly honest title of "Adding few more inches to your Johnson" that dealt a crippling blow to my already fragile ego:

"Salute Chap

I don't care why your woody is so small, but 88% of women do.

They are pretty sure that bigger thing will make their desire

stronger. You have the chance to change your life."

Oh my Lord, the goalposts have been shifted. The acceptable 28% has become a frightening 12%, which, if it represents a mathematical progression, suggests that if I don't around to swinging the strawberry snake this weekend, by Monday there's a good chance that zero percent of women will be interested in my minuscule Moby.

So it now looks like that if I want to join the ranks of those guys with tremendous tallywhackers, I'm going to have to shell out for the "Prolonging the Perpendicular Pickle" program after all. I just hope it doesn't involve weights and string.

Addendum
Also in today's fun-filled can of spam I received an invitation from Dr. Nikolai N. Vaganov of the "Children's Clinical Hospital" to "Save Children." Tragically, I already have two and no space in which to save any more. Sure, the ones on sale appear to be relatively cheap - about the price of one Starbucks latte per week but without the rich, satisfying aroma and smooth, tongue-caressing flavor - but in my experience, they have a high operating cost. Besides, they are also difficult to flush down the toilet when you get bored with them, unless you cut them into tiny pieces and that's messy. I recommend hamsters as an alternative because (a) they flush easier and (b) can make a tasty kebab snack if you have a few of them.

Still, don't let my experience of saving kids put you off. Why, I hear there are lots of sad, lonely men out there, surfing the Internet, who would be only too pleased to save a few children. I bet Dr. Vaganov could even charge a premium for some of them.

I REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT MY SMALL PENIS - HONEST!
Truth in Advertising. There's a phrase that is often preached but not always practiced. However, at least some folks in the Spam world are brave enough to say it like it is. Take for example the e-mail I received some minutes ago with the no-nonsense, in-your-face title of "Hello man, your woody is really small!"

Kudos first of all for getting the right gender. I get particularly annoyed by spam that exhorts me to increase my breast size or pay more attention to my feminine hygiene. The least a spammer can do is identify me as a male.

I also have to admire the way in which the spammer leverages right into the common male insecurity of penis size. After all, which guy actually thinks his schlong is too long? No, 99% of men think they are under-endowed; the other 1% are fooling themselves.

The text of the message is even more honest in tone:

Hei dude

Don't tell me why your thing is so small, I will better help you to make it really Bigger!

Why bigger? Because over 72% of all women need a longer prick to satisfy their desire!

Go there and get your solution.

It'll really help you!

We will ship it worldwide within 24 hours, and if you find our product useless - we'll refund all your money!

I could, of course, resign myself to having a small penis and be content with finding the 28% of women who, apparently, don't need an extended tallywhacker to reach satisfaction. But then again, a simple click to a website could open up my potential pool of partners.

I hope the "solution" includes a way of advertising my new-found length. After all, what's the point of having an enormous three inches if nobody knows about it. How are those 72% supposed to be cognizant of the fact that I can now bring them to the heights of sexual ecstasy with a mere wave of my magic wand? Maybe the spammers have an e-mail list of these women and will be happy to send them my address. Or perhaps the solution comes with a T-shirt along the lines of "I have a big penis - wanna take a ride, baby?"

I can't lose because they will refund ALL my money if the product is useless, although if I have a small penis and continue to have a small penis, do I really want to go through the indignity of proclaiming that fact to the world?

Still, I can't fault these folks for honesty when it comes to describing what they are marketing. Sure there's no picture of the "solution" (which could be, for all I know, a strap-on extension or an eight-pound weight on a piece of elastic) but if it makes Little Timmy into Big Bobby, then life's good, yes?

HEADS THEY WIN; TAILS WE LOSE
So here's a clip from a Reuter's article published in the Mercury News:

"If the United States and its allies leave Iraq without a clear victory, it will embolden terrorists from the Middle East to Indonesia, and damage international efforts to contain North Korea's nuclear ambitions, Australia's leader said Tuesday."

At the same time, Iraqi rebels pledge to continue their fight against the US until the "invaders" leave. Other terrorist groups threaten to strike against Americans on American soil until the "oppressors" leave Iraq and the Middle East.

Which suggests the following: If the US troops stay in Iraq, and the Middle East, terrorists will do their best to attack and kill Americans across the globe; if the US troops leave Iraq and the Middle East, terrorists will feel "emboldened" and... kill Americans across the globe.

What is abundantly clear to all involved is this; whether the US stays in Iraq or leaves Iraq, it will not make one blind bit of difference to anti-American terror groups. It will not change the mind of Kim Jong Il, whose nucleur ambitions are independent of US foreign policy; it will not make Iran shelve its nuclear plans, which, for all their protestations of innocence, will include nuclear weapons.

So, if staying or going makes NO difference, why are we staying? The right-wing pundits tell us that leaving Iraq makes the US look weak and will simply encourage more acts of terror against the West, whereas left-wing pundits say that leaving Iraq will save hundreds, maybe thousands, of American lives from a fruitless conflict.

The truth is that terrorists who are plotting against the US will plot whether troops are in Iraq or not. They will plot even in the US gives away free kittens to Iraqi orphans, or holds a big party to welcome North Korea and Iran into the "Nuclear Club," complete with free beer and strippers. They will plot even if there is only one American with three heads emerging from a post-nuclear shelter 300 years from now.

That's what terrorists are about. Sure, they claim to have some "Cause" in mind, but at some point, the thrill of killing, plotting, wheeling, dealing, and wielding of power becomes their raison d'etre.

Whether we stay or go has nothing to do with safety because we are unsafe whatever we do. We should decide based on our interests, not on what some terrorists might or might not think.

SEX, DRUGS, VIOLENCE... AND WAFFLES
The story has it all. Hot, naked chick kicking butt; drug abuse; and a waffle house.

In Nashville, Texas, patrons of the Waffle House restaurant were treated to an unexpected performance by way of a naked couple crashing through the cream-filled Belgian specials.

Texas resident, Larry Boyd, had been intending to spend an amorous night with his girlfriend in a hotel just opposite the Waffle House establishment. Apparently, in an effort to make the experience that little bit extra special, Boyd decided to take a hit of cocaine. Tragically, the cocaine failed to raise his ardor but did raise his temper and he attempted to strangle his paramour.

Naked and scared, the girlfriend fled from the hotel and ran to the nearest place of safety - the Waffle House. Stunned diners watched the naked woman run through the tables and lock herself in the bathroom. She was almost immediately followed by the raging Boyd, also naked, waving more than just his arms in hot pursuit.

Unable to use his obvious gentlemanly charm to coax her from the toilet, he left, jumped into a car, and drove off. After a short chase, Boyd was caught by the police and dragged off naked to jail. He was charged with driving under the influence and evading arrest. Other charges were also pressed but modesty forbids revealing the sordid nature of these.

It's not known whether business at the Waffle House has since decreased or increased.

ELECTIONS? WHAT ABOUT THE "SHAKE-IT-LIKE-SHAKIRA" LOSER?
So the Democrats are taking over the asylum. Whoop tee doo. The real story is about a bar, a contest, and that Great American Sport - Suing For Cash!

In July 2006, the folks at Calico Jack's Cantina on 42nd Street New York invited folks to join in their "Shake-It-Like-Shakira" contest. Ersatz Shakiras were asked to perform for the bar patrons by shaking their booty in a Shakira-like fashion. The grand prize was set at $250 - and the undying admiration of the crowd.

Enter New Jersey resident, Megan Zacher, 22, of Delanco. Unashamed by the prospect of wiggling her botty in front of strangers - and with an eye to the cash - Megan jumped on the bar after her second drink of the night and promptly began to strut her funky stuff.

Unfortunately, the bar had become a little slippery - as bars do - and she ended up going arse over tit onto the floor, and in the process tearing a knee ligament. The severity of the injury to her leg was such that she needed surgery. The damage to her ego wasn't reported. Needless to say she didn't in the contest.

Now add attorney Lawrence Simon to the mix. At the request of his client, the bar owner is being sued for an unspecified amount of money because he was "negligent, reckless and careless" in "permitting the bar area to become and remain wet and otherwise in an unsafe condition."

Simon also claims that the owner should have know that the contest was "dangerous and likely to lead to injury."

Of course, he is playing down any suggestion that drinking alcohol and dancing on a bar may, to some people, seem to be a little on the risky side. But the innocent Ms. Zacher is clearly simple-minded enough to be unable to process such obvious risks. On the other hand, she was able to pony up the $35 entry fee and would, no doubt, have happily accepted the $250 if she had won.

Once again, we see the full force of the law being used to support and reward the stupid behavior of mental midgets who either have no ability to detect risk and avoid it, or who are all for taking risks but then want to blame somebody else when it things go wrong.

If only she'd fallen a little harder and broken her neck: at least then she would have weeded herself out of the gene pool for good.

RELIGION OF PEACE UPDATE: LAWSUIT FAILS
According to the Associated Press, a lawsuit by Muslim groups in Denmark has been dismissed by the Danish courts. Following the publication in February of this year of cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammed, seven Muslim groups entered a defamation lawsuit alleging that "the cartoons depict Mohammed 'as belligerent, oppressing women, criminal, crazy and unintelligent, and a connection is made between the Prophet and war and terror.'" The irony that the same plaintiff fail to point out is that the response to the cartoons included "protesters killed in Libya and Afghanistan and several European embassies attacked." In their defense, this, of course, only shows Muslims being belligerent, criminal, and crazy, not the Prophet.

Meanwhile the Iranian-sponsored anti-Jewish cartoon competition is over, with the top three having been chosen. As predicted by the Bystander, (a) they are not funny and (b) no-one cares. Anti-Muslim riots did NOT take place, nor did any killings, maimings, firebombings, or name calling. Israel has not called for Iran to be wiped off the face of the earth, nor called on the world to kill all Muslims. Bummer, eh?

The actual winning cartoons are currently available at the Religious Freaks web site and clicking on the link will clearly confirm the non-funny nature. They are also so stereotypical that they are hardly even offensive - just what you might expect from bigots with no sense of humor.

Maybe it's time for the "Kim Jong Il needs a serious haircut" competition...

ISLAMIC RHETORIC - IS IT JUST ME?
Maybe the fault is in Western Logic, but the reaction of certain elements of the Muslim community to recent remarks by Pope Benny seem to be ironic proof of the veracity of the remarks themselves. According to the Washington Post, "In the speech, the Pope, a former theology professor and enforcer of Vatican dogma, referred to criticism of the Prophet Mohammad by 14th century Byzantine Emperor Manuel II Palaeologus. The emperor said everything the Prophet Mohammad brought was evil such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.'"

So what was the response to this? In Indian-controlled Kashmir, shops, businesses and schools shut down in response to a strike call by the head of a hard-line Muslim separatist leader to denounce Benny. For the third day running, people burned tires and shouted "Down with the pope." Other countries saw rioting and the burning of pictures of Benny. Christian churches in the West Bank and Gaza were firebombed and shot at, and a threat from al-Qaida in Iraq said that "you and the West are doomed as you can see from the defeat in Iraq, Afghanistan, Chechnya and elsewhere. ... We will break up the cross, spill the liquor and impose head tax, then the only thing acceptable is a conversion (to Islam) or (killed by) the sword."

Did I miss something? Did the Pope mention something about Mohammad and the spreading of Islam by the sword? And doesn't this al-Qaida response say something about killing folks who don't convert to Islam?

Hello? Clearly Islamic logic works on different principles than Western. Trying to refute the Pope's quotation by doing exactly what the quotation says seems to be the stupidest tactic on earth. The response clearly demonstrates the accuracy of the quote. If some folks are offended by the truth, that's a bit of a shame.

Do I think all Muslims are of like mind? No. But they are sure pretty quiet when it comes to denouncing the inane rhetoric of the violent few.

I don't recall Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad apologizing for his remarks about Israel needing to wiped off the face of the earth. And he isn't quoting some 14th century text out of context but saying what he feels here and now in the 21st century. However, the whole Muslim world thinks the Pope has to grovel and bend before Allah.

When will the Muslim zealots of the 14th century wake up and join the 21st? As ever, religious fundamentalists are eager to use their personal visions of a mythical god to promote their own agendas. And the Islamic fundamentalists seem to be much better at it than any other group. Yet if the so-called "moderate Muslims" aren't prepared to do something about it, then how "moderate" are they?

This witless, strident, fundamentalist rhetoric is getting more and more irritating. It's like listening to whining kids who can't get their own way and who don't get a slap from their parents because that would be "wrong."

The sooner the whining brats get a slap on the backside, the better.

GEICO RESPONDS - PERHAPS
Some time back, I commented about an experience with the Gecko - and that's Geico not Gordon, although there may be similarities. Close to one year later, which in Internet terms is almost prehistoric, I received a response from someone claiming to be from Geico. I say claiming because of course, the Internet is the great anonymizer and this could be anyone. Still, it makes for fun reading, especially if it IS a real Geico employee. So, in the interest of full disclosure, and general mischief, here's the response AND my reply:

GEICOSUCKS.COM: I know you are dot going to approve this, but... you comments illustrate how ignorant and "chilish" you actually appear. Yes, I do work for GEICO and yes, you do not, so I can safely say you have no clue what you are saying... BTWm if you lapse in coverage, even for 1 second, you lapse in coverage and this is across the board for all insurance companies... Maybe you should take a class or two to tap into your "genius" to develop some techical reading skills and the go read your contract before you buy insurance.

THE NAKED BYSTANDER: Many thanks for your cogent and well-mannered response. I especially enjoy your ad hominem stance, much beloved of the rhetorically weak. I do not doubt that "if you lapse in coverage, even for 1 second, you lapse..." and that this is also reflected in the turgid legalese of the contract. However, my crusade is more to encourage large corporations to be a little more customer friendly. I mean, I ordered at 5:00 am and the old coverage expired at 12:01 am - come on!

Interesting, too, that the company feels the need to register the domain name geicosucks.com, clearly because it is sensitive to criticism. Why, the fact that you've trawled the web to find one whine from an insignificant blogger suggests that such sensitivity runs deep.

And even MORE interesting is that if you are indeed an employee of Geico, then e-mailing me, a customer, using such terms as "you have no clue," "maybe you should take a class" and "how ignorant and 'chilish' (sic) you are," suggests to me that customer service is an area of the business that needs some development.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply. In fairness to any other readers, I'll be sure to post it on my churlish blog so that folks will be able to see an example of Geico's customer service department at work - if you ARE a Geico employee.

Tragically, my e-mailed reply was bounced back to me with an "Recipient address rejected: Access denied" message. Boo hoo. Looks like there wasn't a real reply address.

But one last piece of good news for Geico: I will be renewing my insurance with them this year. Hey, I may think they treated me shoddily, but business is business. Of course, should I ever have an accident, there's no telling how they'll be with actually paying out some money.

WEEDING OUT THE STUPID
Bollywood. Home of the Stars and center of the Indian movie universe. With athletic, muscled heroes;dusky, pouting heroines; endless dance routines; throbbing bhangra music; and more colors than an explosion at a Sherwin-Williams factory, the Bollywood bandwagon is a Mecca for Asian cinemaphiles.

Alas, it suffers from one of the same maladies that its poorer cousin, Hollywood, suffers from; namely that some people take it far too seriously.

Take the new blockbuster, Krrish. This ersatz Superman, played by Hrithik Roshan, can leap tall Taj's in a single bound, and has super powers other than the ability to sing and dance. The film's director, Rakesh Roshan, says that "Yes, he (Krrish) has superpowers and he's different from Superman, Spiderman and Batman..." I think he means that he doesn't wear Spandex.

But already, some fans have taken to heart the notion that "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" - and in this case, imitation ends up as a form of flattening. At least two people have ended up injured after abortive attempts to fly; a feat that they apparantly thought was eminently possible.

Roshan has been out and about reminding people that Krrish cannot fly, that all the actions in the movie use stunt doubles, and that anyone stupid enough to think they can fly deserves to be weeded out of the gene pool. Well, he hasn't actually said that latter comment, but he damn well should.

One idiot is an 11-year-old boy, who might be expected to be one clove less than a full bulb of garlic, but the other is a 24-year-old man, who clearly is at the same mental level as the boy, although with a smaller brain.

Tragically, both lived and may therefore go on to infect the world with more Stupids. Unless, of course, they spill boiling hot coffee on their genitalia and end up sterile.

LIMBAUGH'S LATEST LEGAL LAPSE
For those who enjoy playing the "Which is Worse?" game, here's a new one to add:

If you're Rush Limbaugh, which is worse: (a) being found with a jar of non-prescription pills in you luggage when you're not supposed to have them, or (b) being found with a jar of non-prescription Viagra in your luggage when you're not supposed to have them?

Well, Rush is playing this one at home, folks. Following a three-hour chat with some nice customs people at West Palm Beach airport on Monday. On arriving from his vacation in the Dominican republic, Rush "I-have-been-totally-indicated" Limbaugh had a bottle of Viagra taken from him because there was no name on any prescription.

It seems that he has changed from non-prescribed pain killers to non-prescribed pleasure makers. I suppose there's more than one way to cure a headache.

According to Rush's attorney, Roy Black - who must be on Rush's speed-dial - the Viagra had been legitimately prescribed but the bottle had been "labeled as being issued to the physician rather than Mr. Limbaugh for privacy purposes."

Ah, so that explains it. You and I would just have our names printed in bold, highlighted in yellow, and have to listen to the pharmacy assistant shout across the store "Hey, how many Viagra tablets are there supposed to be in this dudes jar?" but Rush gets away with needing privacy.

Look, if the dude's having problems getting it up - and that would at least explain why he seems to permanently have a stick up his rear end - that's none of my business. But if he's breaking the law by obtaining illegal drugs while he's still being monitored for his previous episode of using non-prescribed painkillers, then he should be hit just as hard as any other working stiff out there. A kid takes an ibruprofen to school and gets suspended under a "zero tolerance" rule, but Rush can get hold of bottles of whatever and rely on his money and position to get him off any hooks.

File this one under the "...with Liberty, and Justice, for All??" label.

KIM JONG'S LONG DONG SCARES NO WONG
In yet another attempt to hog the international limelight, North Korea are poised to launch their third long-range missile in 13 years. In fairness, that's more missiles that Kate Bush albums over the same period, but it's not exactly a prolific arms development strategy. The Taepodong 2 succeeds the Taepodong 1, which when last fired in 1998 failed to deliver a satellite into orbit.

Although the world community is having a snit at the presumptuous nature of Kim Jong Il's latest display of "my dick's bigger than yours," when considered as part of a global threat, his ballistic missile program is suffering from erectile dysfunction. Here's a country with an estimated GDP of $40 billion and the following glowing economy as supplied by the CIA Fact Book:

North Korea, one of the world's most centrally planned and isolated economies, faces desperate economic conditions. Industrial capital stock is nearly beyond repair as a result of years of underinvestment and shortages of spare parts. Industrial and power output have declined in parallel. Despite an increased harvest in 2005 because of more stable weather conditions, fertilizer assistance from South Korea, and an extraordinary mobilization of the population to help with agricultural production, the nation has suffered its 11th year of food shortages because of on-going systemic problems, including a lack of arable land, collective farming practices, and chronic shortages of tractors and fuel. Massive international food aid deliveries have allowed the people of North Korea to escape mass starvation since famine threatened in 1995, but the population continues to suffer from prolonged malnutrition and poor living conditions. Large-scale military spending eats up resources needed for investment and civilian consumption.

For "military spending," feel free to include "Taepodong 2." Now, bearing in mind the tragic nature of the economy, and the fact that this is a test missile that has taken some 6 years to build, and the spectacular non-success of the earlier version (that tumbled into the sea somewhere off Japan), how scary is the threat? Maybe the missile could reach Alaska; maybe it could carry a nuclear warhead; maybe the are 200 more of them hidden away somewhere pointing at many different targets across Asia. But that's a lot of maybe's.

I, for one, would actually like them to shoot their load now because the resulting detumescence might shut them up for a while. Unless there's been a spectacular and secret upturn in the economy, the next test should be sometime in 2012 - by which time Kim Jong Il may have been hit by a bus; or at least a decent hair stylist.

It's also worth mentioning that the launch is being delayed because of bad weather. According to CNN, "Analysts say clouds and storms would make it difficult for North Korea to track a missile once in flight, decreasing the likelihood of a launch."

Great. A missile so good that if it's a bit cloudy, nobody knows where the fuck it is! So much for the North Korean airspace tracking technology. Hey, even a blind man in a Cesna can land in fog at La Guardia. It seems like the North Korean version of an "autopilot" is a monkey called Skip strapped into the nose cone.

So while the impotent potentate of North Korea stamps his feet and kicks the side of the playpen, the rest of the grown ups would be better served by ignoring the tantrum and focusing on real issues - like Iran, Iraq, and Palestine?

BLUETOOTH EARPHONE DORKY? YOU BET YOUR LIFE IT IS
Add another chapter to the as-yet unwritten book about cell phone etiquette called The Unbearable Rudeness of Being. With the introduction of the Bluetooth headset, cell phone egotists can now become even more obnoxious. Using the same reasoning that lead people to (a) buy Chia pets, (b) wear spandex, and (c) think shares in Enron were a "sure thing," cellaholics are taking to walking around with a large - but supposedly discrete - chunk of metal in their ears, imagining themselves to look cool, important, and edgy, whereas in truth, they look as if they are taking a lunch break from a sci-fi movie involving the Borg.

Glenn O'Brien, GQ magazine's Style Guy, offers the following advice to a recent Bluetooth wannabee:

Q: "I am a 23-year-old cell-phone-store manager and have been asked this question frequently by customers. Does a Bluetooth headset make one look professional and technologically savvy—or like a Star Trek freak ready for the next convention?"

A: "Generally speaking, a Bluetooth headset makes a man look like a Ferengi, the dweebiest of alien species. I saw a man in an expensive conservative suit and a camel-hair overcoat walking along Park Avenue the other day with this thingamabob stuck on his head, and I wished I had my digital camera with me. If you are going to wear a Bluetooth headset on the street, you should also be wearing a Day-Glo jumpsuit, goggles, and a cape."

And it's not just the dorky look that speaks volumes about the wearer. The fact that someone would wear one of these in company, ready to interrupt a face-to-face conversation in preference to a disembodied voice from somewhere else, screams out to me something along the lines of "Hey, I know we're having a chat here, but you're not as important as the unknown person who's calling me."

At what stage did the notion of "love the one you're with" become "physical presence is overrated anyway"? I'm waiting for the day that I can buy a pocket cell phone jammer and watch terrified cellaholics go into panic mode when they realize that their signal has been lost and they have to - gulp - focus on the here-and-now rather than be hooked into a virtual world of disembodied voices.

PLEASE, NO MORE "WHAT HAPPENS IN X STAYS IN X"
Despite the bleatings and petty paranoia of many Francophobes, the French have given the world many glorious and wonderful things. High up on this list are Sophie Marceau, Vanessa Demouy, Calvados, Barbarella, the Statue of Liberty, the bikini, Voltaire, and Roquefort cheese.

But let's not forget the contribution to language - which includes the word language itself (from the Old french langue). For me, one of the premiere words that has found its way into the English lexicon is cliche - a trite, hackneyed phrase that has become over-used and common.

And here it is, my award winner for the "Now-It's-Time-To-Wrap-This-Puppy-In-A-Bag-And-Toss-It-In-A-River" award for 2006, which is "What happens in X stays in X." Brought to public attention as a funny tag line for promoters of Las Vegas vacations, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" has quickly spawned a viral plague of irritating imitations, typically used by people whose own sense of wit is stunted to the point of being non-existent. Using someone else's quip with a transparent modification is not humor - it's derivitive and dumb.

So stand up and be counted by refusing to laugh when some uninventive bozo at a drunken party in Bumhole, Arkansas says "Hey dude, what happens in Bumhole stays in Bumhole" and instead, feel free to take any large, vaguely pointed object in the near vicinity and insert it into the bozo's most sensitive bodiliy orifice.

LENNON WOULD TURN IN HIS GRAVE - OR TURN UP FROM HIS GRAVE?
It's all too easy to poke fun at the people who seem to have no critical faculties whatsoever. Shooting fish in a barrel is, by contrast, much harder. The bystander reserves a special scorn for believers in the paranormal, which includes those who think that once you're dead, you spend the rest of eternity in some disembodied state trying to talk to the living. It doesn't matter that there is zero evidence for life-after-death, some folks still want to believe that Aunt Martha is desperate to tell her surviving family all about here new existence. By all accounts, this new existence seems to consist of being "happy," having "no pain," and involve drifting around in some kind of limbo doing nothing other than attempting to communicate with the living.

However, throughout the centuries, some entrepreneurs have always know that fools and their money are indeed soon parted, and that helping that parting is an opportunity. And believers in the paranormal seem to be more foolish than most.

These entrepreneurs tend to call themselves "psychics" or "mediums," presumably as a marketing ploy because calling yourself "that dude who talks with dead people" is likely to have you tagged as a complete loopball and carted off to the safety of a room with padded walls. No, much better to be a "medium" because it pays better.

Now here's the thing about mediums; for some peculiar reasons, they - and only they - can communicate with the dearly departed. Aunt Martha, who may have been your favorite aunt, hasn't a chance in hell of talking to you directly, but has to go through Madam Wisteria, aided by the spirit guide, Big Chief Talks-With-Cactus. Incidentally, I wonder if mediums with spirit guides get to charge double, for their own services and those of the guide?

The problem with hiring a medium to talk with Aunt Martha is that only the family of Aunt Martha are going to pay for the privilege. And once Aunt Martha has revealed that (a) she is happy now, (b) no longer in pain, and (c) Uncle Marty was a two-timing cheating bastard who'll feel her wrath when he passes over, no-one will really care to talk to her anymore. Apart from the tragedy of Aunt Martha now being doomed to an eternity of talking to herself, the greater tragedy is that the medium now has no income.

So here's where the smart medium has to be creative and enter the world of Celebrity Channeling. Yes, if five people want to pay good money to chat with Aunt Martha, how many would be prepared to stump up and listen to such famous people as Plato, Aristotle, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, or Humphrey Bogart?

Well, according to the In Demand cable network, an audience with Princess Diana can rake in a cool $8 million. And that's actually just for a potential audience with her. In 2003, the cable channel ran a pay-per-view special to hear Di "speak" through a medium, and even though the medium failed, folks still stumped up the cash.

If a TV show can generate $8 million for a no-show, what could it get for a guaranteed audience with, say, John Lennon? Yes, that atheist skeptic ex-Beatle himself. For a mere $9.95,viewers could tune in last night (4/24/06) to listen to some barely audible whistling and hissing that was, according to psychic Joe Power, the voice of John Lennon.

And how exactly did John make contact? Well, clearly being a modern guy, he used the latest pseudo-scientific-sounding paranormal method of Electronic Voice Phenomena. This is the use of radio and TV signals by the dead to communicate with folks with terrible hearing. Made more popular by the movie Wavelength, the theory is that if you mis-tune your radio or TV to nothing but hissing, you can hear voices. No, seriously, that's what they say.

In the Lennon case, the EVP message was "proved" to be real by an expert in EVP, a Sandra Belanger, who said it was most definitely the ex-Beatle. Well thanks, Sandra, I feel much better now you've okayed it.

For those who didn't contribute to the estimated $9.5 million subscription, here's what John had to say: "Peace... the message is Peace."

So, all you are saying... is give peace a chance?

And the $9.5 million just goes to show that there's more than ONE born every minute.

HOLOCAUST CARTOONS? DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH
As a mature, rational, though-provoking intelligent response to the current furor about cartoons of Mohammed, the Iranian "independent" newspaper, Hamshahri, has launched a contest to find the best cartoon about the Holocaust. It seems that although the President of Iran has already said it never happened, this doesn't stop other folks from creating cartoons about the non-event.

Let's take a moment here to analyze the Islamic logic at work: cartoon about one dead prophet from centuries ago - must be banned and infidels killed; cartoons about the systematic massacre of millions of Jews 50 years ago - no problem. Need I say more? Well, probably yes.

First, the "independence" of the Iranian "free press" can be questioned. According to the Newsmax corporation, "...the contest would be launched Monday and co-sponsored by the House of Caricatures, a Tehran exhibition center for cartoons. The paper and the cartoon center are owned by the Tehran Municipality, which is dominated by allies of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, well-known for his opposition to Israel."

Of course, I expect the official line will be "we are only supporting freedom of the press, who can run such competitions if they want. If some people are offended, then that's too bad."

And guess what: I say, Go ahead and run the cartoon competition. The real tragedy will be that they will NOT BE FUNNY. What do you call a Muslim with a sense of humor? An Infidel. I'm sure some folks could create some really funny Holocaust cartoons, but I doubt that the Muslim powers-that-be have any idea about how to make or take a joke.

The whole experience may also serve to teach the rapid Muslim element how rational human beings react to such cartoons. There will be strong words and condemnation, but you will not see rioting on the street, the burning of embassies, nor the wholesale insanity that is currently being exhibited by followers of the "Religion of Peace."

However, if the political activists who are orchestrating these riots (and this is clearly the action of groups with scimitars to grind, or why else would this be happening now rather than 4 months ago when the cartoons were actually published) think that a few cartoons about the Holocaust are going to "teach the infidels a lesson," they really are one can short of a six pack. Or maybe one prophet short of a religion.

DIE, INFIDEL, DIE! BUT LEND US THE MONEY FIRST...

Let's play a little game of "Spot the Double Standards" starring our old friend, "Peaceful Islam" aided by a little sensitivity over some cartoons:

Saturday, February 4th, 2006: "Hundreds of Palestinians turned out for protests on Saturday. In Gaza City, demonstrators hurled stones at a European Commission building and stormed a German cultural center, smashing windows and doors. Protesters also burned German and Danish flags, and called for a boycott of Danish products. (Source, CNN, copyright The Associated Press.)"

Monday, February 6th, 2006: "The Palestinian Authority will ask international envoy James Wolfensohn to quickly release $300 million in aid to keep government ministries running, a senior official said on Monday. (Source Reuters.)"

So, anybody spot the double standard here? Anybody?

But it gets even better. According to the same Reuters' Report on February 6th, the request for aid "...came a day after an internal investigation revealed that at least $700 million of funds from the Palestinian Authority's coffers have been squandered or stolen." Then, in what must rank as one of the most audacious threats of 2006 do far, the Palestinian Economy Minister, Mazen Sonnoqrot, said that "...withholding the money from the Palestinian Authority was tantamount to 'collective punishment' and could result in chaos."

No shit, Mazzy baby! Well, why not try this: get all the rabid Muslims who are all up in arms about some pictures and have them put down their fire bombs, AK-47s, knives, baseball bats, and any other intruments of peace, and pray to Allah for the cash. If He thinks you're worthy of it, then He will most assuredly make the $300 million appear in your bank account. On the other hand, is He is getting really pissed off with the way in which Moslems are using His name to make war on the rest of the world, then the coffers will stay empty.

So go ahead, Mazzy, give it a whirl. Hey, and don't forget to tell us all when the money appears. Oh, and this sort of "asking for aid, or else" was tried in the past in the British Isles. It was called Danegeld, and the funny thing was, everytime the locals paid the danegeld, the Danes kept asking for more. It didn't work then, and it won't work now.

MUSLIMS RIOT - AGAIN - IN PROTEST. GEE, DID WE EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE?
Your misanthropic Bystander has had his disgust toward the human race confirmed once again following the psychotic response of muslims to cartoons of the prophet, Mohammed. Apparently Muslims feel that cartoons of the prophet with a turban shaped like a bomb makes it looks as if Islam is a violent religion. And here's how they have tried to demonstrate its peaceful nature:

A. "Up to 300 Islamic activists in Indonesia, the world's most populous Muslim country, rampaged in the lobby of a building housing the Danish embassy in Jakarta.

Shouting "Allahu Akbar" (God is Greatest), they smashed lamps with bamboo sticks, threw chairs, lobbed rotten eggs and tomatoes and tore up a Danish flag. No one was hurt"

B. "In the West Bank city of Ramallah, hundreds of Palestinians attended a Hamas-organized rally, tearing up a French flag and holding up banners reading: 'The assault on the Prophet is an assault on Islam.'"

C. "Palestinian gunmen seized and later released a German on Thursday, and a hand grenade was thrown into the compound of the French Cultural Center in the Gaza Strip."

D. "The editor of a Norwegian magazine which reprinted the Danish cartoons said he had received 25 death threats and thousands of hate messages."

Ah yes, peaceful, tolerant Islam. Lucky for all involved that it was just a cartoon. Let's see what happens when Fox runs its new sit-com, "Everybody Loves Mohammed," a whacky slice of life with the prophet sharing a room in LA with Jesus, Buddha, and Pamela Anderson.

Meanwhile, I'd like to remind folks that "blasphemy" only makes sense if you have religious beliefs. We atheists are technically incapable of being blasphemers because we don't believe in any gods. You might as well start hanging people who doubt the existence of fairies.

Look, boys and girls, you are free to believe any old tosh you like, be it in God, Allah, the Great Galactic Turtle, aliens from Mars, or invisible pixies that steal the ends off pens. But belief is not proof, and don't try shovelling it down other people's gullets. If you're that convinced in the power of a supreme being, why not pray to him/her and have him strike down the non-believers. Or isn't your god capable of that?

Seems to the Bystander that there are far too many people speaking on God's behalf. So why not let the big man do it Himself, yes?

AMERICAN IDOL FANS TAKE NOTE... GENDER CHANGING IS O.K.
As Simon, Paula, and Randy gear up for the grand opening of the new season of American Idol, they may want to take note of the goings-on in the German version of the show. Rumors of whether Simon - or indeed Ryan - is gay pale into insignificance next to the surprise revelation from Deutschland's hotly tipped-to-win performer, Didi Knoblauch.

Apparantly, Didi revealed recently that she "...never felt comfortable in my own skin, I don't want to be a girl. Two years ago I had my breasts removed in a very painful operation. But having a full sex change is expensive, about £40,000. I'm taking part for the experience of being on the show, but if I win I'm hoping to earn enough to afford the operation."

So, as Kelly Clarkson uses her winnings to sell platinum albums, Clay Aitkin uses his to prepare for a role on "I'm a has-been, get me out of here," Didi is planning to have a brand new state-of-the-art salami added and a fresh wardrobe from Versace Pour Homme.

Linguists amongst you might be interested to know that the German word "lauch" means "leek" - as in the vegetable. If her surname translates to "leeky knob," perhaps she was psychically destined for the sex change right from the start. If she sings just right on the night, her wish for a dribbling dangler may just come true.

I DON'T WANT TO OPEN A CAN OF WORMS BUT...
How many times have you heard someone use the phrase "can of worms" to describe something that you don't want to do? But the real question is - has anyone actually ever OPENED a can of worms? And where, pray tell, do you buy such a thing? I checked Wal-Mart and even the guy in the big, blue "How may I help you?" T-shirt couldn't point me to the appropriate shelf. Maybe I have to go to a Sam's Club or a "Worms R' Us" store to get a bag of wrigglers. Of course, even if you were to find a can of worms, why would you want to open it anyway? Seems to me that the worms have been put in there for a reason, and letting them out is probably a bad idea. Of course, maybe it's NOT a problem, because depending on how long the can's been on a shelf, the worms are likely to be dead - suffocated in an air-tight container. So what kind of psycho individual would want to make a living suffocating helpless worms?

Checking the "Situations Vacant" section of the local newspaper, the Akron Beacon Journal, I was mildly stunned to find no requests for "worm canners." Even a Google search for "worm canners" turned up only two references - and those were not about folks who stuff annelids into tins. For the etymologically challenged amongst you, the word annelid means derives from the latin annellus meaning "little ring" - as opposed to "little wing," a song by Jimmy Hendrix.

Lexicographer Eric Partridge suggests that the "can of worms" originated in Canada; sounds similar,eh? "Can o' worms' versus "Can o' Dah?" The reference is to the type of can bought by weekend fishermen, who would purchase the portable wormy tomb prior to spending many hours pitting their wits against - er - fish. And how tragically pathetic must a guy feel after spending a whole day fishing only to return home with nothing? Man against Fish - and the fish wins!

My advice to all is to let squirming worms lie and keep the damn lid tightly shut.

FIGHT BACK AGAINST THE PEANUT NAZIS
The time has now come to rise up against the oppression of the Peanut Nazis. The next time an airline tries to foist you off with some dry, crushed bag of lousy pretzels, feel free to thrust it back in the face of the hapless attendant and say “So what about some damned peanuts, huh? What ever happened to Freedom of Choice? What about my First Amendment rights?” OK, maybe the latter phrase is stretching things a little.

Look, some people are allergic to peanuts and that’s just too bad. I’m not, and I don’t see why I should have to suffer because a minority has a hard time saying “No” to a peanut. Hey, I can even help with this problem by providing the peanut allergic with a piece of free technology. Simply cut out the paragraph below, laminate it, pop it in your pocket and, when next faced with some pushy flight attendant trying to force you to commit suicide, read it out aloud in a strong, authoritative voice:

“I am allergic to peanuts. I would prefer something else, thank you.”

There, problem solved. I can then enjoy a delicious bag of dry-roasted peanuts and you can choke to death on a pretzel without infringing on my enjoyment. And should you find that the above solution doesn’t work – possibly because you have lost you voice or are particularly stupid – then try the following alternative solution when the attendant gives you the bag: DON’T OPEN IT!

I use the upper case letters because it is such an important point to make. I realize that some people with a severe peanut allergy seem to be unable to (a) see and read the word “Peanuts” on the bag, and (b) cannot resist opening the bag and thrusting the offending food down there throats, but honestly, what more can I suggest? If you are incapable of saying “No” and also unable to leave a bag alone, then may I suggest you buy, and swallow, a one-pound bag of Planter’s best and do us all a favor by weeding yourself out of the gene pool?

Really, this isn’t difficult. I’ve yet to find anyone who’s been physically pinned to a chair by a group of flight attendants and forced to eat peanuts. And is it so difficult for Peanut Nazis to remember that they have an allergy?

As an example of how to deal with your problem, let me point out that if I eat raw fish I am violently sick. One innocent sushi roll can have me knock knock knocking on heaven’s door faster than you can say “wasabi sauce.” Yet I am not yet dead; a feat I have achieved by one easy trick – not eating raw fish.

I do not campaign for the removal of sushi bars; I do not want airlines not to serve sushi; I do not consider anyone who eats sushi the spawn of the devil or an insensitive individual who should be attuned to my personal reactions to an uncooked piscine. No, I just avoid eating it and leave everyone else in the world to enjoy themselves.

So join the fight for the right to eat what you like and start lobbying the ailing airlines to bring back the nut.

THE 2005 "WAG THE DOG" AWARD GOES TO: FOX'S WAR ON CHRISTMAS!
In the spirit of Hollywood, which has an award ceremony for almost every possible facet of the industry - and week of the year - the Bystander is introducing the annual "Wag the Dog" award for the story that best demonstrates how the media really can invent any world it likes.

In nothing more than a shameful, and blatant, promotional exercise for one of its own, Fox News ran the "War On Christmas" following the publication of a book of the same title by - yes, you've guessed it; Fox's John Gibson. In his book, Gibson argues that the secular left, along with Uncle Tom Cobbley and Satan himself, are targeting Christmas' christian origins and forcing people to eschew such salutations as "Merry Christmas" in favor of "Happy Holidays." Aided by spin-meister Bill O'Reilly (fair and balanced as ever), Gibson's thesis has been pushed on the American public as nothing short of the opening act for the Second Coming.

It takes very little effort for anyone with a brain to say "Merry Christmas" to someone and discover that they don't suddenly scream out that they are offended or pull out an AK-47 and shout "die, atheist scum!" In fact, apart from the folks at Fox, who clearly have bees in their Christmas bonnets, nobody really seems to have any problems whatsoever with tossing out a "Merry Christmas" - and that includes atheists.

Of course, the religious right hopped onto the Fox bandwagon, whining about how Christians are "under siege" or "oppressed" or even "persecuted," when this is patently not the case. When you have a President in power who actually says that teaching "Intelligent Design" in science classes is simply "presenting both sides of the argument," it's obvious that the amount of power that the Christian majority has simply is not diminished in any real way.

So, for creating a veritable media hurricane in a miniscule secular teacup, the 2005 "Wag the Dog" award is hereby presented to Fox News.

Congratulations!