GEICO'S GECKO HAS STICKY FINGERS - ALL THE BETTER FOR GRASPING
Fool me once - shame on you. After watching the cute gecko on the Geico commercials, I was sucked into hitting the web site to see him doing the robot. I should have suspected something amiss when I discovered intially that there was no dancing gecko. Still, they did offer a great quote on my motorcycle insurance that appeared to be substantially less than Progressive's renewal amount.

So, I waited until my Progressive expired - on a Sunday - and applied for a $156-00 from the lizard. Big mistake. Big. Huge!

Seems that if you let your old policy lapse by a few hours, you lose any "discount" that Geico hints at. Progressive ran out at 12:01 a.m. and at 5:00 a.m., or thereabouts, I had signed up for Geico to kick in at 12:01 a.m. - less than 24 hours later.

Alas, my reward for switching was (a) thanks for the $156 - we've taken that off you faster than a gecko can catch flies, and (b) now send us another $16 because you don't get a discount. The "savings" on Progressive suddenly became not so big a deal. Did anyone say "bait-and-switch?" How about "sharp practice?"

Seems that the sticky-fingered gecko is so strapped for cash that it needs $16 so badly it will risk losing a new customer for it. Hard to believe, isn't it, that the friendly gecko turns out to be nothing more than yet another insurance reptile.

Clearly I'm not the first to find this out. A quick web search reveals that the domain name www.geicosucks.com is owned by - yup, Geico! Now there's a company so secure in its dealings that it has to register domain names that people might use as a protest. Geicosux.com appears to be on hold, as does geicoblows.com.

I have encouraged the nice people at Geico to read this blog, just so they can maybe try to understand that business is not just about new customers but also keeping old ones. Whenever someone now types geicosucks.com into a search engine, this blog will respond to the call and folks will see it. Rest assured I'll be making sure that everyone I know gets to hear about Geico's shabby treatment. I know they can waive the $16 if they want and for them to pretend otherwise is churlish, mean-spirited, and not a little disingenuous. To insist on my forking out the $16 is indicative of an attitude - and we can guess what that attitude is.

Fool me once - shame on you: Fool me twice - shame on me. And I'm not going to be a fool again.

MOVE OVER MCDOUGALL - THE MCDONALD'S DIET IS HERE
Morgan Spurlock's movie, Super Size Me, caused something of a mini-sensation when it was released in 2004. In the film, Spurlock revealed that by following a diet of only items available at McDonald's and accepting the super-sized portion if it was offered, he added 25 lbs in 30 days and saw his blood cholesterol go through the proverbial roof. Of course, any rational person would not be surprised by this and to hold Micky D's accountable for the bizarre behavior of stupid fat people is simply crass. Maybe his next movie will see him eating exclusively at Cinnabon and Ben & Jerry's - anyone want to make a guess as to what might happen to his weight?

Well surprise, surprise! Merab Morgan, of Henderson, North Carolina, has taken up the gauntlet against Spurlock and switched to her own "Mc Donald's Diet." Setting a daily target of no more than 1400 calories, Morgan, who has failed at both the Atkin's Diet and Weight Watchers, lost 33 lbs over 67 days while eating nothing but McDonald's food. The trick is to watch those calories and set yourself a target; in Morgan's case, she hopes to lose 40-60 lbs in total.

This is undoubtably great news for junk food junkies, who have been under pressure lately from the Food Nazis who seem to believe that (a) they have the "right formula" for proper nutrition and (b) everyone else should follow it. The "right diet" seems to exclude foods that are tasty in exchange for those that are tasteless, fibrous, and typically eaten by rabbits. And no matter how many times a vegetarian says, "But tofu can taste just like meat," the fact remains that tofu has all the flavor of eight-week-old chewing gum and all the texture of a balloon.

If God had wanted human beings not to eat at McDonald's, he would have created mankind not in his image but in the image of a rabbit. No, God handed out canine teeth for the tearing of flesh, and a long intestinal tract to process animal proteins. Why, on this basis, avoiding meat is almost inhuman!

Undoubtably nutritionist killjoys will be tossing out lists of why the McDonald's diet will not work, but until then, tuck into that Big Mac before the Food Nazis deprive you of yet another small nutritional pleasure.

"Dah dap dap dat daaaaaa .... I'm loving it!"

US LITERACY LEVEL DECLINING
Late last night, I developed an urge for a nice piece of cheddar. I knew there was some in an unopened packet in the refrigerator. So I took it out and tore open the resealable bag.

What caught my eye was some writing on the packaging: "America spell cheese K*R*A*F*T" Mmmh, I don't think so. I believe America spells cheese "c*h*e*e*s*e," otherwise, the label would have read "America spells kraft K*R*A*F*T."

This sort of mistake is up there with the creeping mispronunciation of words that have a clear, unambiguous spelling. Take the word "caramel" as an example. It has a no-brainer of a structure - three syllables "ca," "ra," and "mel." Yet why do some folks insist on saying "carmel?" Fine if we're talking about the northern California town where Clint Eastwood made everyone's day by serving as mayor for a short time; but if you're in Starbucks asking for a syrup shot, it's "ca-ra-mel," stupid.

And let's not even go there with George W.'s "nookyooluh" pronunciation. I mean, look at the word: "nuclear." What's the problem? It has two bits - "nu" as in "nu," and "clear" as in "clear." I suppose it's at least support for the "No Child Left Behind" idea because as far as learning the Enlgish language is concerned, W was obviously left behind.

Pedantic, moi? heaven forbid.

POPE READY TO GO BACK TO BOOK BURNING?
It seems like the new Pope Benedict XVI isn't going to be lining up to buy a first copy of the imminent Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Nor is he likely to be attending the release of the next Harry Potter movie dressed as a wizard (you know the look - long robes, pointy hat, big stick. Oh wait, maybe he will!)

German writer, Gabriele Kuby, has written a book entitled Harry Potter: Good or Bad, in which she refers to comments from a certain Cardinal Joseph Alois Ratzinger made in 2003. At that time, the nascent Pope Benedict said, "It is good that you explain the facts of Harry Potter, because this is a subtle seduction, which has deeply unnoticed and direct effects in undermining the soul of Christianity before it can really grow properly."

So there you have it: Benny says "No" to Harry. Of course, he'd be very happy if kids all over the world were to be eagerly awaiting the next reprint of the Bible, which contains more sex, violence, wickedry, and debauchery than any Harry Potter novel. And what's more shocking is that Benny would claim that unlike Potter novels, the Bible is true. In which case, maybe it should be added to the Vatican's list of unapproved books.

Strangely enough, in Germany, the author who knocked the previous Potter book from the number one spot was one written by Benny himself - hyped up as a result of his becoming Pope. There were no reports of thousands of children dressed as Popes spending all evening waiting for a midnight release. Shame.

Another book that has apparently raised the Vatican's collective gorge is the popular The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, a novel castigated by Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone as being full of ''gross lies and manipulations." Well pardon me for sounding stupid, but the fact that the book is billed and sold as a novel should be something of a giveaway here. Novels are supposed to be full of lies and manipulations, otherwise they're called "non-fiction histories."

The real danger in a Harry Potter book seems to be the damage it could cause to your head if it was dropped from a height. Pound for pound, the Potter hardbacks have always been value for money. And once you've read it, you can always use it as a doorstop.

As for claims of encouraging witchcraft and devil worship, methinks that some folks really need to move on from the Middle Ages and get a grip.

IT'S OFFICIAL - THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON; OR AT LEAST BEATEN SNOOP DOGG
As the plucky Brits were getting out of their beds on Friday morning, then hopping on the buses as usual in order to get to work, Snoop Doggy Dogg was doing his bit to fight the war on terror: he cancelled his up-coming concert in Manchester, UK. Clearly Snoop is having delusions of grandeur, imagining that he is the sort of high collateral target that fanatical terrorists would be after.

And as the leaders of the G8 nations continue to meet in Edinburgh, terrorists are obviously more intent on grabbing Snoop and holding him for ransom. Why, if such a thing was to happen, George W. would have no choice but to accede to any demands rather than see such an important and key political figure be harmed. Since his phenomenally successful political dissection of world sexual politics in Girls Gone Wild: Doggy Style, Snoop's value to hostage takers has evidently increased.

Of course, Snoop may have the usual Ameri-centric view of geography that puts just about anywhere in England as being near London. The 300+ miles distance between London and Manchester prbably hasn't registered with this "soldier" of rap. And for all his bleating about how tough it is on the streets, how it's critical to have a "nine" in your pocket in case you need to "bust a cap on someone's ass," standing on a stage hundreds of miles from where a terror attack took place is much too risky.

Hey, it's one thing to talk about fighting for your rights, but when the going gets tough, Snoop gets out.

Meanwhile Londoners go back to work, stoic as ever, cocking a snook at any attempts to induce fear and terror. Maybe Al Qaeda would be better of concentrating on a few celebs - and maybe most people could offer them a list to choose from!

NASA'S $300 MILLION BLUNDER - PERHAPS
After the semi-success of the movie "Deep Impact," NASA felt compelled to provide the definitive 2005 remake in the form of their Deep Impact probe. Aimed at the poor, defenseless comet, Tempel 1, Deep Impact smacked into the heart of the wandering body only a few days ago, the purpose of which was either to gain invaluable knowledge about the composition of the universe or to practice interplanetary skeet shooting. The latter, of course, will prove invaluable in the event of an alien attack.

But tragedy was to strike. Not NASA, but Russian astrologer Marina Bai. Unable to predict that a probe was due to hit the comet, the destruction of the icy snowball was, astrologically speaking, a catastrophe of the first order. Apparently her entire future has been wiped out, and all bets are off for anyone who has received a personal reading from her.

According to Bai, "It is obvious that elements of the comet's orbit, and correspondingly the ephemeris, will change after the explosion, which interferes with my astrology work and distorts my horoscope." Pity that the event in itself wasn't so obvious to so skilled an astrologer.

Based on calculations of lost earnings, she is suing NASA for $300 million dollars. Clearly she's currently charging around $50,000 per horoscope, although considering her inability to predict the cometary demise, you have to think some of her clients might want their money back.

Perhaps her next horoscope will tell her whether she's likely to win the case. Or maybe NASA are now planning to scupper her chances of successfully suing by sending Deep Impact II straight for Mars - that should mess up her charts even more.