Saturday, November 12, 2005

HOW TO RESPOND TO UNSOLICITED CRAP
Picking up the mail is one of those tasks that I have mixed feelings about doing. I enjoy receiving all the magazines I subscribe to, but hate all the letters asking for money. I also get irritated by the unsolicited stuff from folks who know nothing about me other than my address, culled from some anonymous list being hawked by unscrupulous shysters with no morals and motivated only by avarice.

Today saw the arrival of a particularly nauseous piece of marketing; an invitation to join the "One Spirit" book club. Not only do I get a free tote bag, emblazoned with the words "Look at me, I'm a New Age Loser," but the chance to buy such bargain offerings as "Animal Wisdom" and "Animal Messages" (a two-fer), "The Spells Bible," "The Hidden Messages of Water," and the "Book of Angels."

I'd prefer the peddlers of this crap to simply shit in my mailbox so at least the smell would serve to warn me against opening the box. And the persons who shared my address with these folks should all be made to read every single book in the catalog and, while doing it, only eat the stuff recommended in "The Detox Diet."

Taking keyboard to e-mail, I decided to respond to the One Spirit company in the only way I know how - brutally skeptical. Here's what I said. Feel free to cut and paste this into any letters you may want to send to similar purveyors of puerile populism.

" Imagine my surprise at finding a copy of the "One Spirit" shill magazine arriving in the mail, unannounced and unasked for. Imagine my surprise to realize that some malicious, unthinking person had shared my address with your gang of shysters who peddle quackery and lies at discount prices. And imagine your surprise at getting this unsolicited e-mail, even though you think nothing of sending unsolicited junk through the good old-fashioned US mail to me.

Your marketing department's acumen at spotting a demographic is stunningly wide of the mark in relation to myself. I am a misanthropic curmudgeon whose skepticism is writ large in my hugely unpopular web blog, The Naked Bystander (http://thenakedbystander.blogspot.com) - go ahead, I dare you!

Your web site says you are "...the only book club dedicated to bringing you the most informative, most inspirational, and the most empowering products available today. One Spirit offers a selection of books, videos, CDs and merchandise, all carefully chosen by our editorial team." I counter that your editorial team is clearly misguided, mislead, and seemingly happy to flog pseudoscience, flim-flam, and gobbledygook from such charlatans as Sylvia Brown and Deepak Chopra, without any thought towards the consequences of maintaining the intellectual stultification of the American intellect.

Clearly you make money out of gullible people who think that homeopathy for psychic pets, belief in angels and pixies, and crystal therapy are all going to make their tragic lives somehow better. Better they spend their money on alcohol and drugs as a more effective way of escaping the misery of a pointless existence than turn to the claptrap and nonsense of New Age philosophy and superstition.

Am I angry? No, just irritated. Frankly, the more people who decide to treat their illnesses by appealing to angels, ginseng, rearranging their bedrooms using Feng Shui principles, and magic spells, the sooner they'll die off and get weeded from the gene pool - hopefully before they've had chance to breed.

So do me, and yourselves, a favor and take me OFF your mailing list so that I don't have to harangue you again if next month's edition of hogwash and baloney should find its way into my mailbox.

I trust I'm clear and I thank you for daring to read all the way to the end here. Feel free to publish this little outburst of vitriol in any of your promo pieces for the materials you push. I think the fact that you include one of the 20th century's most significant works of fiction, "The Lord of the Rings," in your catalog clearly sets the content standard for all the other "works" you offer.

Yours cynically

The Naked Bystander"

Sunday, November 06, 2005

"GOVERNATOR" RUNNING SCARED OF BARE BREAST
Last Friday afternoon, Judge Garland E. Burrell saved Northern Californians from a group of terrorists who threatened to rock the very foundations of democracy. The group, "Breasts Not Bombs," are ready to stand on the steps of Sacramento's capitol building on Monday 7th November, 2005, and subject anyone in range to severe fall-out - from their bras.

"Breast Not Bombs" say that they are "... a grassroots movement originating from Mendocino County, CA ... dedicated to empowering women to speak out for a world that remembers what is sacred and honors the mother ... using political street theater and the act of baring our breasts in public serves as an excellent forum to speak about the vulnerability of humanity and the earth." Their blog site (breasts not bombs) has been in existence since September 2005 and chronicles the activities of this dangerous group.

According to the courts, the bearing of breasts would "create an immediate hazard to the general motoring public," ... "expose picnicking children to indecency and present" and be especially dangerous to the public because "sex offenders have been known to frequent" the Capitol's park area.

So there you have it. Rubber-necking drivers catching a flash of tit would crash, innocent children would be traumatized into needing years of therapy, and sicko perverts would be jerking themselves off in bushes, endangering anyone who happened to be in the vicinity - like other perverts who apparently already frequent the place.

Of course, there is no evidence whatsoever that any of these "hazards" would work. Strangely enough, the millions of children who are breast fed don't become traumatized, and neither do the millions of children brought up in Europe where topless beaches are the norm. However, maybe American children are innately psychologically weaker, especially since they need to be protected from name calling, germs, television, music, devil worshippers, Michael Jackson, and a host of dangerous things.

Or maybe the California legislators are afraid that bare boobs will draw the attention of the populace to the fact that some $8 million is being spent on a "special election" at the behest of Governor Schwarzenegger.

And the judiciary have threatened to have the women charged with being Sexual Offenders, thus having to register along with child molesters, rapists, and others. All for showing their breasts.

Unless, of course, your name is Jackson - Michael or Janet - in which case you're OK to do just about anything you want.

Judge Burrell and the rest of the legislature there need to overcome their own petty, sexual hang-ups, stop being so prudish, and fly back down to earth. Stop worrying about a few bare bosoms and start catching criminals. I suppose when you can't get the real bad guys, swatting the easy targets justifies the salaries being paid.

Friday, November 04, 2005

IN GOD WE RUST: THE KANSAS QUARTER PHENOMENON
If you're an atheist, or at least have a sense of humor, check your pocket change. It appears that a small number of the new Kansas state quarters have been printed with the words "In God We Rust" on the front. Other variations include "In Od We Rust" and, moving to the bottom of the coin face, "E Pluribus Un."

Skipping through the eBay listings (if you fuck it up, they will come) defective Kansas quarters are hot items. Other purported errors include missing horns, triple horns, male pattern baldness on the buffalo, and even a speared buffalo. But the rusting deity has to be the cream of the crop.

Doubtless it is only a matter of time, probably measured in days rather than weeks, before the conspiracy theorists start talking about the left-wing atheist plot to subvert our God-fearing Christian nation. Why, mere possesion of one of these coins is likely to have you marked as the spawn of Satan. And almost certainly there will be some way of working the numbers 666 into the coin, proof indeed of infernal intervention.

As of today, the story of the rusting motto hasn't reached Internet viral proportions, but soon it will. And remember, you heard it here FIRST!