DIY SURGERY NOT RECOMMENDED
We've all seen the TV and movie trick of using a pen for an emergency tracheotomy. And no, a pencil won't do if you can't find a pen. Similarly when the hero loses a limb, he manfully unstraps his belt and wraps it around the stump, thereby stemming the flow of blood.

But there are limits both mentally and practically. And the limit was crossed at the end of June, 2009, by an unnamed young man from Stevenage in the UK. Following a call to the emergency services, the man was taken to the Lister Hospital with wounds to his penis. For an as-yet undisclosed - and possibly unfathomed - reason, the Bris-happy boy decided to snip off his foreskin using the closest surgical tool to hand: a pair of nail clippers.

According to a Master-of-the-Obvious medic, "This is something we would advise men never to attempt. The results can be quite horrific and long-lasting and have quite an affect on a man's sexual performance." Well no shit, Sherlock!

He went on to say, "Using a pair of nail clippers must have caused excruciating pain, even if he had had a few drinks beforehand." Having experienced, like most men, a "zipper malfunction" in the past, this is clearly an understatement. Snipping away methodically at "the Hooded Man" is not exactly the sort of thing most sane men think of doing, drunk or not.



Still, maybe there's a fortune to be made by re-branding nail clippers as "field surgical technology. Any takers?

AL QAEDA FASHIONISTAS ANNOUNCE "COLOR ME BLACK" RANGE FOR FALL... AND FOREVER
The Paris runways will be highlighting the latest in burqa-wear this Fall - or perhaps not, depending on how the French government want to respond to the wacky fashionistas of Al Qaeda.

In a statement by Abu Musab Abdul Wadud, the self-styled "commander of Al Qaeda in North Africa" - whose idea of style includes sackcloth and head bandages - the terrorist group have vowed to "take revenge on France by every means and wherever we can reach them" because of a debate in France over whether the burqa, a traditional Islamic woman's covering.

The burqa, which typically comes in black, black, and a fetching black, is a one-piece that covers a woman from head to toe so that she doesn't inflame the animal passions of a man. Apparently a glimpse of ankle can turn a Muslim man into a slobbering, deranged, sex-crazed monster - and it's the woman's fault. Hence the burqa.


Abu Musab continues to rant on about how the French are "committing all of these grievances in a time when we see their women flooding our nations, filling our shores, poorly dressed and nude in a deliberate defiance to the feelings of Muslims and in clear contempt to the teachings of the Islamic faith, traditions and norms."

Notice the note of tolerance here. Apparently it's wrong to offend Muslim sensibilities but OK to kill folks who do it.

"Our Muslim brothers in France in particular and in Europe in general are increasingly troubled by the practices of the French politicians and their leaders, and their constant harassment of our people regarding the burqa issue. Yesterday they targeted the veil, today the burqa and maybe tomorrow their evil hands could be extended to defame our pillars of faith, like praying, fasting or the pilgrimage."

Actually, I'd be all for helping them fast until they starved to death and send them on a long pilgrimage across the Pacific on foot. And if France is so decadent, I'm surprised Al Qaeda's "brothers" who live there have not moved back to the caves to cuddle up with Abu and his men.

This all follows (a) the run up to Fall fashion week and (b) a statement last week by President Nicolas Sarkozy who said that, "The problem of the burqa is not a religious problem. This is an issue of a woman's freedom and dignity. This is not a religious symbol. It is a sign of subservience; it is a sign of lowering. I want to say solemnly, the burqa is not welcome in France."

Well, not unless it can be reworked in chiffon or silk and come in a plethora of exciting new colors.
Lil' Kim models the Jean Paul Gaultier burqa in silk

ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE NOT ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA
There's a lot of money to be made in the Alternative Medicine industry. And for "alternative," be prepared to use the word "quack" in many cases. After all, if saliva is a tonic, then what's wrong with magnetic bracelets, iridology, homeopathy, and toad licking?

Come to think of it, what's wrong with boiling someone's head and turning it into a soup to cure psychiatric illness? Well, nothing unless it happens to be your head!

In the southwestern province of Sichuan, China, resident Lin Zongxiu heard that a sure fire way to cure her daughter's mental problems was to serve her some head stew, preferably as fresh as possible. So Zongxiu and her husband enlisted the help of an unwilling 76-year-old who happened to go by their house. They knocked him unconscious, decapitated him, and made head soup. They then fed their 25-year-old daughter a delicious, heaped-up helping of cooked pate - and that's really "pate," not "paté." Apparently they tossed in a little duck to add extra flavor - but no word on how willing the duck was.


Not surprisingly, the daughter failed to be cured and Zongxiu and her husband ended up in court and charged with murder - or is that "gastronomicide?" Lin was fortunate in that she was only charged with helping to hide evidence but the husband was sentenced to death but then given a two-year reprieve. If he avoids lopping off any more heads in over the next two years, he may be simply have life imprisonment.

Let's hope that this fad doesn't catch on too extensively in the West. Still, it would be interesting to see what the 30-minutes infomercial might look like!

WHEN PETS GO WILD!
The Australian outback; the plains of the Serengeti; the jungles of Peru; all dangerous places filled with dangerous wild animals. Heavy with the scent of death and terror, these environments can take away the life of an unwary traveler in seconds, their flesh torn apart as they scream their last. Nature red in tooth and claw lets loose her most fearsome creatures in these cauldrons of violence.

So now add Clapham, England, to the list of terrifying landscapes. Well, if you are an employee of the Royal Mail. It seems that the management of the UK’s postal service has taken a stand on attacks by wild kittens; more specifically on Illy, the most dangerous pussy on the street.


Following a mauling by the furious feline, a postal worker suffered severe scratches as she popped the post into the letterbox of Ken (65), and Bradley (30) Ridge. She reported the incident to her superiors who acted with speed to inform the Ridges of Illy’s savage attack.

“I am writing to let you know that, on June 6, our postman was attacked by your animal in your premises while delivering mail to your address. Animal attacks are a major cause of injury to Royal Mail staff and so I am writing to seek your co-operation in preventing a repeat of this unfortunate incident. I must advise you that, if any further incidents of this nature are allowed to take place, I shall have no alternative other than to consider suspending the delivery of mail to your home.”

So wrote Mayo Sonubi, a Royal Mail manager and Protector of the Post. Although a hunting party was not suggested at this stage, the Royal Mail records some 5000 animal attacks each year, which is more than the number of shark attacks in the world or people killed on safari. Clearly the UK is a dangerous place to live – especially if you are a postie.

Tourists may want to note that Illy is still at large in Clapham and should avoid the area unless supported by a hunting party, several Land Rovers, and a double-barreled shotgun.

NO SON, IT'S A TOILET, NOT A SHOWER
Kids. You gotta love 'em. Unless, that is, you're a puppy. or more specifically, unless you're the puppy owned by the Blair family in England. It seems that their three-year-old son, Daniel, is quite the budding scientist. He clearly knew that a shower is essentially a blast of water that is used to clean people. He also knew that a toilet provides a blast of water. If you have a dirty puppy that is too small for a shower, what might be another option?

Yes, you're right - Daniel popped the tiny one-week-old Cocker Spaniel pup into the bowl and flushed vigorously. The hapless hound was small enough to get washed down the pipes and ended up some 20 yards away underground.

A call to the local Dyno-Rod folks brought plumber Will Craig to the house, armed with some specialist equipment that allowed him to send a camera to the location of the pup. He was then able to push it toward the nearest manhole and take him out.



Apart from being a little wet and bedraggled - and maybe psychologically scarred for life - the only lasting trauma is likely to be adjusting to his new name: Dyno, after the drain-cleaning company that rescued him.

Next time, the Blair's should find a pet that doesn't fit down a toilet. Or flush little Daniel's head in the bowl so he can find out that is isn't a shower!

FLORIDA POLICE PROVIDE SPECIAL SUNBLOCK - AN SUV!
As global warming continues to fuel the profits of companies who make sunblock, the dangers of tanning still fail to dissuade people from soaking up the sun on Floridian beaches. Trying to get get beautiful tanned girls in bikinis to leave the seashores is not only difficult but unpopular with 50% of the world's population.


Enter one of Jacksonville's finest, Officer Lewis Keller, and bathing beauty Anne Marie Griffin. While innocently idling on Jacksonville Beach in sunny Florida, Griffin was hit by Officer Keller's SUV. And for "hit" read "run over at speed.

Apparently, Officer Keller was tooling down the beach in his police patrol SUV (as you do) and he did a U-turn - right over the hapless tanner. Keller and a volunteer had to lift the SUV off of her while others pulled her out.

Griffin ended up with head and spinal injuries, along with a broken pelvis and crushed ribs. The SUV was unharmed.

After an internal investigation found him "negligent" and "not driving safely," Keller was given 70 hours of suspension, which is equal to seven days because officers at the Jacksonville Beach Police Department work 10-hour shifts. He was suspended without pay two days last week and will forfeit 50 hours of vacation time.

And why was the officer driving on the beach? Chasing a murderer? Hunting down an armed gang member? Nope, apparently, "Keller was making a U-turn on the shoreline near 14th Avenue South to return to a case of unopened bottled beer."

As if Florida bathers didn't have enough to worry about with sunburn, skin cancer, and sharks - now they have to keep an eye open for rogue trucks!

SOMETHING TO DROOL OVER? I THINK NOT!
Add the following story to the "Why, for the love of God, Why?" folder.

A Chinese internet entrepreneur simply named Zhou has been banned by one of China's eBay lookalikes, taobao.com. It seems that Zhou was selling bottle of saliva harvested from pretty 18-year-old girls at a stunning $2.00 per bottle. His spin is that the bodily fluid acts as a "tonic," though details as to how this might be the case are not forthcoming.

In an effort to promote some notion of "truth in advertising," Zhao did include pictures on the web site showing the girls from whom the spit was taken. Apparently he believed that including the graphics would enhance sales. Which turned out to be zero.


The trading site deleted the listing after complaints from web surfers, although it's hard to imagine what exactly they were complaining about and why they were checking out the latest saliva sales in the first place. I mean, how do you accidentally stumble across a market for teenage girl spit! Braver readers may want to turn "Safe Browsing" off and use Google to search for "Teenage girl spit" and hypothesize how the complainers found the site.

Undeterred by censure and a stunning lack of any sales, Zhou says he is now turning to drool as an alternative product. This is collected from sleeping teenage girls and, as with regular spit, bottled for consumption. As we know, drool and saliva are chemically the same product, but with the right amount of marketing spin and hype, who knows how well Zhou could do this time.