Tuesday, May 04, 2004

TIME TO TRADE IN THE MINIVAN, GUYS
It's a time-honored observation that the size of a man's car is inversely proportional to the size of his meat-and-two-veg. Good news for you mini cooper drivers. Of course, few researchers have tried to verify this lately: "Excuse me sir, would you mind helping in a survey by stepping out of your Ford Escort and flopping out your wedding tackle?"

However, the perverts who write for the German magazine, "Men's Car," did exactly that - or maybe something similar. They surveyed over 2000 men aged between 20 and 50 and asked them (a) what car they drove and (b) how frequently they had sex. Top of the list are BMW owners who manage a pulse-pounding 2.2 times per week, the 0.2 presumably a valiant attempt to reach three. Coming second (or at least twice) are Audi guys, slipping behind with an average 2.1.

Ford drivers came fourth at 1.7 and owners of Korean cars came last, managing a mere 1.5 times per week. Jeep drivers, my own mode of four-wheel transportation, didn't even score - which sounds about right!

Should you ladies feel neglected, bear in mind that French car drivers scored highest at 2.1, Audi drivers could get it on twice, and Porsche gals could only pop for 1.2 times.

But for me, even more interesting is the statistic that female BMW drivers have sex 1.9 times per week. Now, if they are asking couples who share a car, it seems that German men are having sex 0.3 times per week NOT with their spouses. Whether this is because they are (a) having an affair or (b) flying solo remains unanswered.

Of course, for those of you reading this who are thinking "damn, if I could get it 0.3 times per week on average I'd be happy," it may be that the only thing this survey tells us is that German men exaggerate and lie.
YOU DID SAY YOU WANTED IT FRESH, YES?
It seems that air travel is fraught with danger these days - and not only from terrorists. It appears that a new source of horror should be added to the traveler's list: whistling tree frogs.

On a routine flight between Melbourne, Australia, and Wellington, New Zealand, a Qantas airlines passenger was handed her special order salad - only to find that it was NOT the vegetarian option she was expecting. Lurking behind the lettuce was a small and uninvited whistling tree frog. And no doubt in keeping with a Qantas policy of delivering food that's as fresh as possible, the aforementioned amphibian was not even dead. Holy slimy sushi, Batman!

Before the hapless hopper could do any serious damage - such as leaping out of the box, gunning down a few passengers, and forcing the pilots to take the plane to Cuba - the quick-thinking passenger slammed the lid back down and alerted the flight attendents.

Thanks to intensive training in counter terrorism, the attendents ensured that the frog was speedily hustled into a refrigerator and, alas, subjected to a slow death by freezing. PETA should take note of this egregious act of barbarism against an innocent animal.

Once the plane had landed, a Qantas SWAT team apparantly swept through the airplane to round up any other members of the "Tree Frog Liberation Army," but none was found. Thankfully this appears to be a lone whistler, working in isolation, and as yet, no links to Al Qa'ida have been found.

A spokesman for the airline said that they had changed supplier in February. Perhaps the new supplier is the same one that supplies Air France, where frogs in your salad are standard and passengers complain if they don't find one.

Oh, and the report didn't note whether the box came marked as "Atkins Friendly," which I'm sure a whisting tree frog is - so long as you avoid the dressing.

Thursday, April 29, 2004

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Friday, February 13, 2004

OH THE PAIN! PASS THE OXYCONTIN
Has anyone noticed that since Rush Limbaugh came out with regard to his "addiction to prescription drugs" that he seems to have changed his notion of drug abuser? There's a hint of compassion towards the folks who were previously just left-wing junky whackos who should be put against a wall and shot before they start mugging old people, molesting children, and eating babies.

Now the prosecutors in the case against him for allegedly obtaining drugs illegally are seeking access to his private medical records. And guess who is leaping to Rush's defense? Yes, none other than the scourge of decent, honest, god-fearing republicans - the American Civil Liberties Union. The very group whom Rush regularly pillories as nothing more than the agents of the Beast, here to bring the Apocalyspe and the End of Civilization as we know it, is standing up for Limbaugh's right to privacy.

They see the prosecution's case as stepping far beyond what is constitutional and will defend Rush in his attempt to keep his records secret.

I'm not one to crow, dear reader, but the expression "grinning like a Cheshire cat" springs to mind when I try to describe how I feel. I look forward to future EIB broadcasts when Rush has to acknowledge a debt toward the legions of Hell.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING
In the somewhat successful attempt to circumvent spam checkers and simple filtering, spammers are pretty good at using mis-spellings that can be easily recognized and corrected by humans, but present real challenges to computers. Instead of using "Viagra," "Hot Stock Tip," and "Donkey Sex," suitable alternatives include "V-Y-aggra," "h0t st0k t1p" and "Sex with donkeys." OK, so maybe the latter wouldn't work, but you, dear reader, can work out an alternative for yourself.

But hurrah, hurrah! It seems like "Truth in Advertising" may be making a come-back. This morning I found an e-mail headed "would you like a larger penis?" from someone called "penisdoctor." Well, I almost fell over my crates of Viagra and donkey sex video pile. At last, someone with the guts to be honest. Make no mistake, when you get a letter from someone called "penisdoctor," you can be pretty damn sure he ain't selling flowers!

So now I look forward to future posts along the lines of "wanthugetits" from "missbigboobs," "cheapbutdefinitelyNOTstolenviagra" from "sexdrugseller," and "seemypicturesofhotdonkeys" from "donkey bonker."

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

HONDA ELEMENT: UGLIEST CAR ON THE PLANET (AFTER MY TRUCK)?
Whatever were the designers at Honda doing when they decided to build the Element? Did the team spend their days drinking monshine just to take the edge off? Or did they want to see if they could pull off the biggest practical joke since the moon landings (what - you really believe they happened?)

Honestly, the sales folks at Honda deserve bonuses for having the chutzpah to convince ANYONE to buy one of these things.

"Oh yes, sir, you'll find that all the Hollywood stars are driving these. Next to his Hummer, it's Arnold's favorite!"

"Of course, only people with a sense of style realize that this is an avant-garde design that is sure to be seen as a classic in the future."

"The Element is designed to be the most functional car in the world."

Functional my arse! It's downright ugly and an affront to the eyes. One friend of mine tried to convince me that it has been designed to be the easiest car to clean internally. Well whoop-tee-doo! Personally, filling the thing with garbage would be an improvement.
Maybe that stumpy, box-like shape makes it easier to dispose of using a car-crusher. Perhaps the squareness means you can put spots on each face and use it as a giant dice by hitting it repeatedly by a few 40 ton trucks. Who knows?

As this is before we even THINK about the totally uninspired color choices. But even if you went for a yellow-and-peach custom design, it would still remain a disaster of a car, a tribute to the insane triumph of function over form.

So if you disagree, just go right ahead and buy the damn thing. But don't come whining when you try to trade it in after a couple of months and your Honda dealer says "You've got a what?" and falls over in hysterics.