AMERICAN IDOL FANS TAKE NOTE... GENDER CHANGING IS O.K.
As Simon, Paula, and Randy gear up for the grand opening of the new season of American Idol, they may want to take note of the goings-on in the German version of the show. Rumors of whether Simon - or indeed Ryan - is gay pale into insignificance next to the surprise revelation from Deutschland's hotly tipped-to-win performer, Didi Knoblauch.
Apparantly, Didi revealed recently that she "...never felt comfortable in my own skin, I don't want to be a girl. Two years ago I had my breasts removed in a very painful operation. But having a full sex change is expensive, about £40,000. I'm taking part for the experience of being on the show, but if I win I'm hoping to earn enough to afford the operation."
So, as Kelly Clarkson uses her winnings to sell platinum albums, Clay Aitkin uses his to prepare for a role on "I'm a has-been, get me out of here," Didi is planning to have a brand new state-of-the-art salami added and a fresh wardrobe from Versace Pour Homme.
Linguists amongst you might be interested to know that the German word "lauch" means "leek" - as in the vegetable. If her surname translates to "leeky knob," perhaps she was psychically destined for the sex change right from the start. If she sings just right on the night, her wish for a dribbling dangler may just come true.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Thursday, January 05, 2006
I DON'T WANT TO OPEN A CAN OF WORMS BUT...
How many times have you heard someone use the phrase "can of worms" to describe something that you don't want to do? But the real question is - has anyone actually ever OPENED a can of worms? And where, pray tell, do you buy such a thing? I checked Wal-Mart and even the guy in the big, blue "How may I help you?" T-shirt couldn't point me to the appropriate shelf. Maybe I have to go to a Sam's Club or a "Worms R' Us" store to get a bag of wrigglers. Of course, even if you were to find a can of worms, why would you want to open it anyway? Seems to me that the worms have been put in there for a reason, and letting them out is probably a bad idea. Of course, maybe it's NOT a problem, because depending on how long the can's been on a shelf, the worms are likely to be dead - suffocated in an air-tight container. So what kind of psycho individual would want to make a living suffocating helpless worms?
Checking the "Situations Vacant" section of the local newspaper, the Akron Beacon Journal, I was mildly stunned to find no requests for "worm canners." Even a Google search for "worm canners" turned up only two references - and those were not about folks who stuff annelids into tins. For the etymologically challenged amongst you, the word annelid means derives from the latin annellus meaning "little ring" - as opposed to "little wing," a song by Jimmy Hendrix.
Lexicographer Eric Partridge suggests that the "can of worms" originated in Canada; sounds similar,eh? "Can o' worms' versus "Can o' Dah?" The reference is to the type of can bought by weekend fishermen, who would purchase the portable wormy tomb prior to spending many hours pitting their wits against - er - fish. And how tragically pathetic must a guy feel after spending a whole day fishing only to return home with nothing? Man against Fish - and the fish wins!
My advice to all is to let squirming worms lie and keep the damn lid tightly shut.
How many times have you heard someone use the phrase "can of worms" to describe something that you don't want to do? But the real question is - has anyone actually ever OPENED a can of worms? And where, pray tell, do you buy such a thing? I checked Wal-Mart and even the guy in the big, blue "How may I help you?" T-shirt couldn't point me to the appropriate shelf. Maybe I have to go to a Sam's Club or a "Worms R' Us" store to get a bag of wrigglers. Of course, even if you were to find a can of worms, why would you want to open it anyway? Seems to me that the worms have been put in there for a reason, and letting them out is probably a bad idea. Of course, maybe it's NOT a problem, because depending on how long the can's been on a shelf, the worms are likely to be dead - suffocated in an air-tight container. So what kind of psycho individual would want to make a living suffocating helpless worms?
Checking the "Situations Vacant" section of the local newspaper, the Akron Beacon Journal, I was mildly stunned to find no requests for "worm canners." Even a Google search for "worm canners" turned up only two references - and those were not about folks who stuff annelids into tins. For the etymologically challenged amongst you, the word annelid means derives from the latin annellus meaning "little ring" - as opposed to "little wing," a song by Jimmy Hendrix.
Lexicographer Eric Partridge suggests that the "can of worms" originated in Canada; sounds similar,eh? "Can o' worms' versus "Can o' Dah?" The reference is to the type of can bought by weekend fishermen, who would purchase the portable wormy tomb prior to spending many hours pitting their wits against - er - fish. And how tragically pathetic must a guy feel after spending a whole day fishing only to return home with nothing? Man against Fish - and the fish wins!
My advice to all is to let squirming worms lie and keep the damn lid tightly shut.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
FIGHT BACK AGAINST THE PEANUT NAZIS
The time has now come to rise up against the oppression of the Peanut Nazis. The next time an airline tries to foist you off with some dry, crushed bag of lousy pretzels, feel free to thrust it back in the face of the hapless attendant and say “So what about some damned peanuts, huh? What ever happened to Freedom of Choice? What about my First Amendment rights?” OK, maybe the latter phrase is stretching things a little.
Look, some people are allergic to peanuts and that’s just too bad. I’m not, and I don’t see why I should have to suffer because a minority has a hard time saying “No” to a peanut. Hey, I can even help with this problem by providing the peanut allergic with a piece of free technology. Simply cut out the paragraph below, laminate it, pop it in your pocket and, when next faced with some pushy flight attendant trying to force you to commit suicide, read it out aloud in a strong, authoritative voice:
“I am allergic to peanuts. I would prefer something else, thank you.”
There, problem solved. I can then enjoy a delicious bag of dry-roasted peanuts and you can choke to death on a pretzel without infringing on my enjoyment. And should you find that the above solution doesn’t work – possibly because you have lost you voice or are particularly stupid – then try the following alternative solution when the attendant gives you the bag: DON’T OPEN IT!
I use the upper case letters because it is such an important point to make. I realize that some people with a severe peanut allergy seem to be unable to (a) see and read the word “Peanuts” on the bag, and (b) cannot resist opening the bag and thrusting the offending food down there throats, but honestly, what more can I suggest? If you are incapable of saying “No” and also unable to leave a bag alone, then may I suggest you buy, and swallow, a one-pound bag of Planter’s best and do us all a favor by weeding yourself out of the gene pool?
Really, this isn’t difficult. I’ve yet to find anyone who’s been physically pinned to a chair by a group of flight attendants and forced to eat peanuts. And is it so difficult for Peanut Nazis to remember that they have an allergy?
As an example of how to deal with your problem, let me point out that if I eat raw fish I am violently sick. One innocent sushi roll can have me knock knock knocking on heaven’s door faster than you can say “wasabi sauce.” Yet I am not yet dead; a feat I have achieved by one easy trick – not eating raw fish.
I do not campaign for the removal of sushi bars; I do not want airlines not to serve sushi; I do not consider anyone who eats sushi the spawn of the devil or an insensitive individual who should be attuned to my personal reactions to an uncooked piscine. No, I just avoid eating it and leave everyone else in the world to enjoy themselves.
So join the fight for the right to eat what you like and start lobbying the ailing airlines to bring back the nut.
The time has now come to rise up against the oppression of the Peanut Nazis. The next time an airline tries to foist you off with some dry, crushed bag of lousy pretzels, feel free to thrust it back in the face of the hapless attendant and say “So what about some damned peanuts, huh? What ever happened to Freedom of Choice? What about my First Amendment rights?” OK, maybe the latter phrase is stretching things a little.
Look, some people are allergic to peanuts and that’s just too bad. I’m not, and I don’t see why I should have to suffer because a minority has a hard time saying “No” to a peanut. Hey, I can even help with this problem by providing the peanut allergic with a piece of free technology. Simply cut out the paragraph below, laminate it, pop it in your pocket and, when next faced with some pushy flight attendant trying to force you to commit suicide, read it out aloud in a strong, authoritative voice:
“I am allergic to peanuts. I would prefer something else, thank you.”
There, problem solved. I can then enjoy a delicious bag of dry-roasted peanuts and you can choke to death on a pretzel without infringing on my enjoyment. And should you find that the above solution doesn’t work – possibly because you have lost you voice or are particularly stupid – then try the following alternative solution when the attendant gives you the bag: DON’T OPEN IT!
I use the upper case letters because it is such an important point to make. I realize that some people with a severe peanut allergy seem to be unable to (a) see and read the word “Peanuts” on the bag, and (b) cannot resist opening the bag and thrusting the offending food down there throats, but honestly, what more can I suggest? If you are incapable of saying “No” and also unable to leave a bag alone, then may I suggest you buy, and swallow, a one-pound bag of Planter’s best and do us all a favor by weeding yourself out of the gene pool?
Really, this isn’t difficult. I’ve yet to find anyone who’s been physically pinned to a chair by a group of flight attendants and forced to eat peanuts. And is it so difficult for Peanut Nazis to remember that they have an allergy?
As an example of how to deal with your problem, let me point out that if I eat raw fish I am violently sick. One innocent sushi roll can have me knock knock knocking on heaven’s door faster than you can say “wasabi sauce.” Yet I am not yet dead; a feat I have achieved by one easy trick – not eating raw fish.
I do not campaign for the removal of sushi bars; I do not want airlines not to serve sushi; I do not consider anyone who eats sushi the spawn of the devil or an insensitive individual who should be attuned to my personal reactions to an uncooked piscine. No, I just avoid eating it and leave everyone else in the world to enjoy themselves.
So join the fight for the right to eat what you like and start lobbying the ailing airlines to bring back the nut.
Monday, January 02, 2006
THE 2005 "WAG THE DOG" AWARD GOES TO: FOX'S WAR ON CHRISTMAS!
In the spirit of Hollywood, which has an award ceremony for almost every possible facet of the industry - and week of the year - the Bystander is introducing the annual "Wag the Dog" award for the story that best demonstrates how the media really can invent any world it likes.
In nothing more than a shameful, and blatant, promotional exercise for one of its own, Fox News ran the "War On Christmas" following the publication of a book of the same title by - yes, you've guessed it; Fox's John Gibson. In his book, Gibson argues that the secular left, along with Uncle Tom Cobbley and Satan himself, are targeting Christmas' christian origins and forcing people to eschew such salutations as "Merry Christmas" in favor of "Happy Holidays." Aided by spin-meister Bill O'Reilly (fair and balanced as ever), Gibson's thesis has been pushed on the American public as nothing short of the opening act for the Second Coming.
It takes very little effort for anyone with a brain to say "Merry Christmas" to someone and discover that they don't suddenly scream out that they are offended or pull out an AK-47 and shout "die, atheist scum!" In fact, apart from the folks at Fox, who clearly have bees in their Christmas bonnets, nobody really seems to have any problems whatsoever with tossing out a "Merry Christmas" - and that includes atheists.
Of course, the religious right hopped onto the Fox bandwagon, whining about how Christians are "under siege" or "oppressed" or even "persecuted," when this is patently not the case. When you have a President in power who actually says that teaching "Intelligent Design" in science classes is simply "presenting both sides of the argument," it's obvious that the amount of power that the Christian majority has simply is not diminished in any real way.
So, for creating a veritable media hurricane in a miniscule secular teacup, the 2005 "Wag the Dog" award is hereby presented to Fox News.
Congratulations!
In the spirit of Hollywood, which has an award ceremony for almost every possible facet of the industry - and week of the year - the Bystander is introducing the annual "Wag the Dog" award for the story that best demonstrates how the media really can invent any world it likes.
In nothing more than a shameful, and blatant, promotional exercise for one of its own, Fox News ran the "War On Christmas" following the publication of a book of the same title by - yes, you've guessed it; Fox's John Gibson. In his book, Gibson argues that the secular left, along with Uncle Tom Cobbley and Satan himself, are targeting Christmas' christian origins and forcing people to eschew such salutations as "Merry Christmas" in favor of "Happy Holidays." Aided by spin-meister Bill O'Reilly (fair and balanced as ever), Gibson's thesis has been pushed on the American public as nothing short of the opening act for the Second Coming.
It takes very little effort for anyone with a brain to say "Merry Christmas" to someone and discover that they don't suddenly scream out that they are offended or pull out an AK-47 and shout "die, atheist scum!" In fact, apart from the folks at Fox, who clearly have bees in their Christmas bonnets, nobody really seems to have any problems whatsoever with tossing out a "Merry Christmas" - and that includes atheists.
Of course, the religious right hopped onto the Fox bandwagon, whining about how Christians are "under siege" or "oppressed" or even "persecuted," when this is patently not the case. When you have a President in power who actually says that teaching "Intelligent Design" in science classes is simply "presenting both sides of the argument," it's obvious that the amount of power that the Christian majority has simply is not diminished in any real way.
So, for creating a veritable media hurricane in a miniscule secular teacup, the 2005 "Wag the Dog" award is hereby presented to Fox News.
Congratulations!
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