FIGHT BACK AGAINST THE PEANUT NAZIS
The time has now come to rise up against the oppression of the Peanut Nazis. The next time an airline tries to foist you off with some dry, crushed bag of lousy pretzels, feel free to thrust it back in the face of the hapless attendant and say “So what about some damned peanuts, huh? What ever happened to Freedom of Choice? What about my First Amendment rights?” OK, maybe the latter phrase is stretching things a little.

Look, some people are allergic to peanuts and that’s just too bad. I’m not, and I don’t see why I should have to suffer because a minority has a hard time saying “No” to a peanut. Hey, I can even help with this problem by providing the peanut allergic with a piece of free technology. Simply cut out the paragraph below, laminate it, pop it in your pocket and, when next faced with some pushy flight attendant trying to force you to commit suicide, read it out aloud in a strong, authoritative voice:

“I am allergic to peanuts. I would prefer something else, thank you.”

There, problem solved. I can then enjoy a delicious bag of dry-roasted peanuts and you can choke to death on a pretzel without infringing on my enjoyment. And should you find that the above solution doesn’t work – possibly because you have lost you voice or are particularly stupid – then try the following alternative solution when the attendant gives you the bag: DON’T OPEN IT!

I use the upper case letters because it is such an important point to make. I realize that some people with a severe peanut allergy seem to be unable to (a) see and read the word “Peanuts” on the bag, and (b) cannot resist opening the bag and thrusting the offending food down there throats, but honestly, what more can I suggest? If you are incapable of saying “No” and also unable to leave a bag alone, then may I suggest you buy, and swallow, a one-pound bag of Planter’s best and do us all a favor by weeding yourself out of the gene pool?

Really, this isn’t difficult. I’ve yet to find anyone who’s been physically pinned to a chair by a group of flight attendants and forced to eat peanuts. And is it so difficult for Peanut Nazis to remember that they have an allergy?

As an example of how to deal with your problem, let me point out that if I eat raw fish I am violently sick. One innocent sushi roll can have me knock knock knocking on heaven’s door faster than you can say “wasabi sauce.” Yet I am not yet dead; a feat I have achieved by one easy trick – not eating raw fish.

I do not campaign for the removal of sushi bars; I do not want airlines not to serve sushi; I do not consider anyone who eats sushi the spawn of the devil or an insensitive individual who should be attuned to my personal reactions to an uncooked piscine. No, I just avoid eating it and leave everyone else in the world to enjoy themselves.

So join the fight for the right to eat what you like and start lobbying the ailing airlines to bring back the nut.