WHERE ARE MY NIGERIAN MILLIONS, MR. TUNGAY?
I am almost a millionaire. I won't have to work for it. I don't have to steal. I won't even have to appear on a TV quiz show. No siree, all I have to do is partner up with Mr. David Tungay, the Provincial Director of the Standard Bank of South Africa, Johannesburg Branch. By the end of our little venture, I will have 60% of 25 million US dollars and a lifestyle of the Rich and Famous.

When Dave (and I feel comfortable to call him Dave) first contacted me two months ago, I wrote back outlining my appreciation of his offer and offered to set up a receiving account for the fund transfer. All I wanted from him was an advance of a mere $10,000 to open the account, and as a gesture of goodwill on his part. After all, he was holding the account in his bank and the funds would NOT transfer until a legitimate location was set up here in the US.

Strangely, I didn't get a reply from Dave. Until today.

Clearly he had hit the wrong key on his computer because he simply sent me the original e-mail; he should have hit the "Reply" button, not "Resend." That Dave, he's a hoot!!

Still, I thought I'd check his e-mail address just to be sure, so I typed "David Tungay" into the Google search engine. Amazingly, I was flooded with links for Dickens's David Copperfield. How curious.

In a rare admission of cultural sterility, I have to say that I have not read this book. For me, "David Copperfield" brings up images of disappearing planes, a missing Statue of Liberty, and Claudia Schiffer. I'd love to know what trick he did to pull THAT one!

It seems that "Tungay" is a one-legged bad guy in Dickens's novel, his missing leg being replaced by a wooden one. In those days, HMOs were a little less progressive when it came to prostheses, although some executive at one of the HMO head offices is even now, as we speak, re-reading Dickens and thinking "now here's a guy who really has some great ideas about how to save money."

Surely Dave isn't pulling my leg here? David Tungay, a scam? No, heaven forbid. In his letter, he appeared so sincere and helpful. Hey, here's a guy who is acting only to stop corrupt local politicians from seizing the money as "unclaimed."

I've written back to Dave. This time I've asked for a $250,000 advance to open the account. I realize that my first request was probably too small for such an important man. This time I'm convinced he'll see the merit of my plan. This time he'll be happy to work with me.

I await the check.