DONUTS OF DEATH?
Yesterday, we ate donuts at work. Today, we have what is left of yesterday's donut extravaganza. So the hot question has to be; how dangerous is a one-day-old donut? Fortunately, I just so happen to have a fully-equipped, lifetime-guaranteed, mobile chemical analysis unit. The technical term for this device is a "stomach."

It's a great little piece of technology that is simple to use, although it does have some limitations with regard to the size of the material you want to test. But basically, here's how it works: you take the food item to be evaluated and place it into something called a "mouth." This functions by taking the item and grinding it into smaller particles, which in turn make it easier to analyze.

Once the food has been converted into smaller particles, it is transferred as a "bolus" to the stomach, via a pulsating tube called an "esophagus." Once inside the stomach, a whole battery of chemicals are released that subject the sample to a rigorous analysis. If the materials prove to be too volatile or dangerous, an automated reverse-flux-ejection process kicks into action and the sample is expelled at high speed out of the analysis chamber. Pretty slick, eh?

Should the sample prove harmless, it then leaves the analysis chamber to be recycled by a series of ancillary mechanical units, until finally, it is expelled from the whole system in the form of a small (or occasionally large) pellet.

Since subjecting yesterday's donut to my own system, so far the preliminary results have been encouraging. To speed up the analysis, I added a small quantity of a chemical called "caffeine," which normally enhances the evaluation of donut acceptability. I think it is tentatively safe to conclude that the danger imposed by a day-old donut is not significantly high enough to warrant the attention of the Center for Infectious Diseases or the Department of Homeland Security.