MAKING THE PERFECT RAP VIDEO
After many months of research, which included a semiotic deconstruction of sub-cultural referential participles, I can now reveal the secret to making the definitive rap video. Budding male rappers, please pay attention and follow these simple rules:

(a) Choose a stupid name. No mother in her right mind has ever called her child "3:50," "Chingy," "Puffy," "Ol' Dirty Bastard," or "Snoop Doggy Dogg." These names have been invented by individuals trying to appear unique in a field where everyone sounds, in fact, very much the same. If you don't have a unique name, there is no way that MTV will ever air your video.

(b) Repeat your name in every song. Because your songs will inevitably sound like the latest from P.Chingy Bastard Dog, it is critical that you say your name as many times as possible. This is especially important for radio listeners where DJs never actually tell people what they are playing, usually because they don't actually know what they're playing, nor do they care.

(c) Bling Bling. You are, of course, from the streets, and you have your homies and your posse. To show how connected you are to your loyal fans, it is important that they see exactly how you use the $18.00 they shell out for your CDs. Gold, platinum, and diamonds are by far the best way to do this, for nothing will make your fans happier than seeing you decked out like a Christmas tree, ridin' down the street in your P.Diddy Special Edition Escalade with three or four semi-naked ho's trying to lick your brains out though your ears. Oh, and a special note: if you find out some street homies are downloading your stuff because they can't afford $18.00, remind them that they are "taking the bread out of your children's mouths" and sue them quietly.

(d) Big Booties. Yo, bro', you ain't gonna dis no ho coz you respect them, OK? But you can clearly help to fight sexist attitudes by offering many women the chance to appear in your videos. The fact that they have to be gorgeous, almost naked, oiled, pouting, and eager to rub themselves all over your body is intended as parody. Everyone knows that if you are 360lbs and look like Ol' Dirty Bastard, hot chicks will be gagging to be with you, even if you pump gas for a living.

(e) Big Posse. Always have "special guests" on your video, and describe it as "featuring..." whoever. This ensures you don't have to take all the blame if the video sucks and makes you seem much more important than you really are. For example, if the unknown "P. Homie Two Dollar 26 cents" brings out a new vid, it has to be pretty spectacular to score a hit (naked ho's, explosions, dead bodies etc.). However, if it's P. Homie Two Dollars 26 Cents "featuring Lil' Kim and Tupak's Ghost," then you don't need as much visual stuff - although you might want to persuade Lil' Kim to wear nothing but pasties.

(f) Thugs. It never hurts to have lots of aggressive looking guys wearing baggy trousers, baseball or trucker hats sideways, lots of jewelry, and packing heat. Although in real life rappers NEVER carry guns, nor do they espouse violence of any kind, a couple of well-placed magnums and a shoulder holster will always help sales. And if you want to show someone holding a gun, make sure they adopt the classic "gangsta" pose of it being held above their head with the wrist twisted at a weird angle. In real life, should you do this and pull the trigger, you'd break your wrist with the recoil.

(g) Expensive Junk. Your video should be based along traditional capitalist lines with the philosophy of "whoever dies with the most stuff wins." You cannot have too much "stuff" in your video. In the world of rap videos, the word "excess" does not exist. Showing off how much stuff you own is also a good way of demonstrating how much of an individual you are - although remember that Escalades and Hummers are really ten-a-penny now.

So there you have it, homies. Don't worry if you can't sing, can't write, can hardly put three words together without stumbling over them, or have very little talent whatsoever. Remember, this hasn't stopped Snoop, Ludacris, or many others from succeeding. All you need is a good promo company and gullible - sorry, loyal - fans. Chill!