Monday, January 21, 2008
Here's yet another example of where pride does indeed goeth before the proverbial fall. Or if you prefer a different metaphor, where egg sticks firmly to the face.
The boffins of Berlin's police force have developed a very special theft-proof car. The vehicle is a triumph of German engineering; a BMW no less. And at an affordable $150,000 it's only to be expected that members of the force would all want to be cruising the autobahns in this hi-tech, high price luxury transport.
Sadly, although there is an abundance of technology available to create such wunderbar machines, there is still no way of fixing human stupidity or error.
After chasing a joy rider through the Wedding district of the city, the man abandoned his car and headed off on foot. The over-zealous pursuing officers similarly de-carred and took after the man. So intent was their pursuit that they neglected to engage the mighty $150,000 anti-theft facility and returned shortly only to find the Beamer had gone driveabout.
As well as maybe having to walk home, and run the sniggering gauntlet of abuse from their colleagues, the pair are facing disciplinary action. And as of this posting, the police still have no clue who stole the car nor where it is.
Open mouth, insert foot here.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
The Bystander could be accused of being obsessed with the notion of puritanical behavior and its dulling effect on the world's Happiness Quotient, but when new stories come to light on a daily basis about "someone" being "offended" and wanting to "save us" from the same offense, we remain unapologetic in our crusade.
In a recent report in the UK's Sun tabloid, English teacher, Sarah Green, has been suspended from her job at Stockport Grammar school for her role as an actress prior to her current employment. It seems that one of her students discovered his teacher online in an ad for Scruffs Hardware where she simulates - in a relatively non-graphic way - having sex with a workman.
The ad was never shown on TV but was sent out to construction firms. In fact, in 2005, it won two prizes at the world's top advertising awards in Cannes. However, such prestigious awards have little weight with the busybodies of Stockport who want Ms. Green sacked.
Never one to pass up the opportunity to show the Truth, clicking on the image to the right will take you to the now heavily trafficked video. The visits are heading to the million mark and Sarah is unfortunately destined to become the accidental celebrity of the month.
Here are some of the comments from parents of "children" at the school: And I say that loosely because it is the same "children" who are scouring the Internet for the video and, without doubt, are regularly scouring for much harder stuff:
"It is absolutely awful, morally," said one, "especially given the type of school she teaches in. It will kill her."
Another added: "It appears her character is possibly not best suited to such a highly regarded school.
"It is possibly not suitable for this person to be teaching young, impressionable students."The comment toward "young,impressionable students is a joke. Any adolescent boy frequently fantasizes about his hot teachers, knows damn well how to download enough porn to fill a hard drive, and passed the "impressionable" stage long before mommy and daddy discovered the porn stash in his bedroom.
Yes of course Ms. Green's career is over. That's a tragedy. But the condemnation of her moral character is far more tragic, and even more likely to be hypocritical if it's from dads who are quick to condemn but at the same time think nothing of spending time at hotforteacher.com and bigwobblers.net
Monday, January 14, 2008
KISS THAT FROG - NO, REALLY, KISS THAT FROG!
The picture alone is worth the effort. There are clearly people in this world who are mentally unhinged enough that they can get through life without getting killed or locked up. 52-year-old Tongsai Boommrungtai of Roi-Et in Thailand is one such person.
Tongsai first met her Frog Prince as it hopped past her house with a chick in its capacious mouth. "I looked her straight in the eye and knew I could communicate with her," she explained. "I told her to drop the chick and she did and then came hopping in."
How she also spotted that the frog was a female isn't clear, but then seeing as "ever since she has been a member of the family," it really doesn't matter.
The frog is not only able to ride a motorcycle - all be it a toy Harley-Davison, which isn't a real motorcycle anyway - but it has psychic powers. Allegedly, a close examination of the skin on its belly can reveal certain numbers; more specifically, National Lottery numbers.
"For a long time villagers would come round and get tips on the National Lottery with the frog's help... Ten people subsequently won the lottery which drew crowds to the house - and then they started losing. So I have had to ground her. I promised one day to take her to the seaside, and her dream has come true."
So trips to the beach and riding a motorcycle are top of the activity list for this ambulant amphibian. the fun-filled froggie is obviously living the good life. The final words from Tongsai:
"There is nothing more that she likes than to chill out on her toy Harley-Davison, or a battery operated dumper truck. But she can strike a pose just about anywhere."
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Further to the previous article on how cremated colleagues can help keep mourners warm, and dead man in New York was able to help a couple of his buddies supplement their income - even though he was deader than the Britney Spears' Guide to Good Motherhood.
65-year-olds David Dalaia and James O'Hare went to the counter of a Manhattan check-cashing facility and handed over a check from their friend, 66-year-old Virgilio Cintron. Unbeknown to the cashier, Virgilio was (a) dead and (b) sat in a chair just outside the door. Unluckily for the fraudsters, a small group gathered around the frigid corpse, which also happened to be in full view of a detective who was taking his lunch at a local restaurant.
When uniformed police arrived, Dalaia and O'Hare were swiftly taken to jail while Cintron was taken to the morgue, where the coroner determined he had died of natural causes. So far the only charge being brought is one of check fraud.
And bad taste?
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Although many people start married life with the intention of staying together "until death do us part," the Grim Reaper can often be found taking a back seat in the decoupling process. A recent estimate suggests that 45% of all marriages in the US end in divorce, so it's fair to say that the "until death" phrase is pretty much redundant. Of those dissolutions, the majority are cited as being due to "irreconcilable differences," a catch-all phrase that loosely translates as "will you just get the fuck out of my life you blood-sucking leech."
The other possible re-imagining of "until death" is "until death or someone else better comes along - say in a few months." There's a certain schadenfreude that comes from watching TV "reality" weddings where the bride and groom spend the entire GNP of Bolivia for their "once in a lifetime" experiences, pledge their undying love, weep openly on screen about how Destiny brought them together - and know there's an evens chance that within a year hubby will have boinked his way through half the bridesmaids and the missus will have skipped off with a personal trainer called Sven.
So it comes as no surprise that when a Polish couple found evidence of infidelity their marriage should come to an abrupt end. What is surprising is the way in which they found out.
According to the Polish tabloid, Super Express, a man decided to play hide the sausage by making a quick trip to the local brothel. This sort of behavior suggests that his definition of fidelity was pretty flexible. However, in a perfect demonstration of how Karma is a bitch, he was totally flabbergasted when he saw his wife working in the very same brothel. And she wasn't selling soup.
Apparently she had told her husband that she'd been working in a store each evening to earn money to make ends meet. Unfortunately she failed to tell hubby which ends were meeting which other ends. Needless to say, the double infidelity ended their 14-year marriage quicker than you can say, "No, you were cheating on ME!"
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
One of the exciting things about the English language is that the pool of words is huge. Enormous. Gigantic. Why, there are so may words to choose from that if you wanted to use all of them you'd be a quinquagenarian before you got to zyxt.
Derived from the Latin word quinquaginti, which means 50, a quinquagnarian is someone who is between the ages of 50 and 59 years. Your 'umble scribe is fast closing in on quinquagenarian status and so currently languishes in the pool of quadragenarians.
Unsurprisingly there is a list of these words used to describe the decade a person is. And also unsurprisingly they are little used. Here, for the lexically fastidious, is the list:
- vicenarian: 20 - 29
- tricenarian: 30 - 39
- quadragenarian: 40 - 49
- sexagenarian: 60 - 69
- septuagenarian: 70 - 79
- octogenarian: 80 - 89
- nonagenarian: 90 - 99
- centenarian: Over 100
So how do you say it? Try this:
The next vital step is to try using it casually in a sentence while chatting with you friends. Something along the lines of "I believe young women are particularly attracted to intelligent quinquagenarian men." This is, of course, guaranteed to have young women run quickly from the room in an attempt to escape from an aged pervert who uses dirty words. Unless you're lucky enough to be at a Linguistics conference surrounded by eager young students who are looking to get a foot on the first rung of the ladder of Academia by allowing you to impress them with your cunning linguist skills.
The subsequent step is to try using it casually in a sentence while drunk. This is harder but much funnier. Your attempt at "I have cut back on drinking since I became a quinquagenarian" ends up spewing forth as "Eyef cut ze dringk cuz am a quin quin gin gin quinny gin aryan." This is the last thing you forget before falling backwards off a stool and ending up having your stomach pumped by a 350lb male nurse called Otto who hates smart Alecs.
Monday, January 07, 2008
I've already told my kids that when I'm dead they should build a pyre in the back yard and have a weenie roast. Rather than stand around weeping in some gloomy church staring at a box, they ought to get a whole bunch of folks round for one hell of a party and roast weenies and marshmallows over my burning body.
This is my own special way of giving back to the community after my death.
But the good people of Dukinfield in Manchester, England, are already planning to reap the benefits of an energy recycling project that will give the newly departed the chance to cut down the energy bills of their fellow citizens.
As part of a pilot (light) project, Tameside council will modify one of their crematoria - and I prefer this plural form to the more common crematoriums - so that the heat generated by the temporary residents is used to heat the building itself. Rather than waste all the energy used in a standard cremation via some chimney, the heat will be pumped back into the AC system helping to keep the mourners nice and toasty.
Tameside's head of Environmental Services says that, "I'm not sure how people will react, but we don't want to upset anyone. We will carry out full consultation with priests, vicars and the public before a decision is taken."
There is likely to be little resistance from the Church though. The Rev Tim Hayes, of St John's Church, Dukinfield, said: "I have no problem with it," and the Rev Vernon Marshall, of Old Chapel, said: "As a final act of generosity, it's a lovely way for the dead to provide comfort for the living at a difficult time."
Of course, another possible recycling option could help the starving masses throughout the world. What we need to do is produce something called "Soylent Green"...
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Tired of tickling Elmo? Bored with Barbie? Still have a Cabbage Patch Kid suffocating in a cupboard? Well it's time to move on and get yourself a new furry friend, thanks to the twisted minds at Roadkill Toys. Sensitive types with zero sense of humor may want to stop reading now, but the rest of you sickos should click the link and get out your credit card.
First off the line - or off the floor - is the ever-so-cuddly Twitch the Raccoon. With his bloodshot eye popping out and a generous amount of internal organs spilling from his gut, Twitch is the ideal plushy for potential serial killers and regular truck drivers. Here's part of the marketing blurb:
"He lies in a pool of blood and guts. Organs, cracked ribs, intestines, blood- all of them are stuffed. And we’ve used a new type of stuffing that squidges out when you squeeze it. We think it gives a more realistic effect. On his underbelly there is an embroidered blood splat, and sunny-side up there’s a tyre (sic) print."
Oh the humanity! The UK-based company offers Twitch for a mere $50, excluding shipping, and there are 1000 limited edition Twitches with a special tag to mark their uniqueness. Collectibles indeed.
But they don't intend to stop there. Slated for release are the appositely named Pop the Weasel, Splodge the Hedgehog, Grind the Bunny, Smudge the Squirrel, and Puddle the Vole. Now it's possible for your kids to not only have fun with a cuddly critter but learn anatomy at the same time! This is 2008's first cool educational toy. Furthermore, there are character obituaries available for each little pal, including the cause of death.
And if your thrill-seeking organ has been tweaked, take a look at the video section of the site, where you'll find a promo ad for the company that includes the ominous words, "Lots of animals were harmed in the making" of this video.
It's so nice to know that there are still people out there who realize that bad taste CAN be hysterical, and who are not afraid to keep pushing the boundaries of free speech to ward off the self-appointed, self-important, mealy-mouthed, puritanical PC whiners who want to suck all the fun out of life and crush any sense of humor under a prudish jackboot.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
It seems that miracles are becoming less miraculous these days - especially if it involves money and the Virgin Mary. In New Zealand, a trader on the country's EBay equivalent, TradeMe, offered a pebble for sale that allegedly had an image of the mother of Jesus. The asking price was a mere $50,000 but it seems that the market for religious icons may be bottoming out.
The pebble's owner, Lisa-Marie Corlet of Christchurch, was initially excited by a top offer of $31,600, but shed tears of blood when it was discovered to be a hoax. The next best offer was a paltry $27,000, which Corlet decided was simply not enough for such a precious relic. So, Mary's pebble is back in her cupboard waiting presumably until she finds a matching Jesus.
Either that or she'll try EBay to attract the international market. You have to think there is someone in the world stupid enough to trade cash for trash.
Meanwhile, I have large, lumpy potato that looks suspiciously like Muhammed sitting in my vegetable basket, so if anyone wants to make an offer...