Monday, May 23, 2005

GETTING THE COUNTRY OFF ITS KNEES - OR BACK ON THEM?
In the US, one of the options for dealing with the unemployed homeless is to ship them to California, preferably Santa Monica, where they may still be homeless, but they can at least look tanned and healthy.

But in Dresden, Germany, local businesswoman Silvia Rau has another option for keeping the unemployed off the street: subsidised sex. At the Villa Bijou brothel, showing your unemployment card will get you a 20% discount on services rendered. In the true spirit of humanity, the local prostitutes' union decided that one way of helping the "long-term unemployed out of their depression" is to offer discount doggy-style and concessionary copulation.

Rau is also hoping to reverse the flaccid number of clients frequenting her establishment. The average has drooped from 150 per month to only 80, so cut-price coitus is seen as a way of swelling those figures, thrusting forward with firmer customer numbers and rock-solid profitability.

Doubtless US lawmakers - and Nevada entrepreneurs - are looking at similar ways to arouse new business. If enough people were eligible for low-cost bonking, then the accompanying rise in support services could be immeasurable. Condom sales, lubricants, STD clinic out-patient fees, penicillin sales - the list is endless.

Kudos to Ms. Rau for coming up with such a spirited solution to the problem of unemployment.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

99.9% ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH
Standing at the urinal, taking care of business, I noticed that the soap available for the post-urination ablutions confidently proclaimed it would kill 99.9% of all germs. That many, huh?

But it isn't those 99.9% that you have to worry about; it's the other 0.1% that live on. Think about it - you've managed to kill off the pathetically weak germs, living only the strong behind. And what do those strong germs then do? That's right: bonk themselves stupid to create new germs, some of which are now able to resist the 99.9% soap.

Over time, only those germs that are strong enough to resist the disinfectant and breed become the dominant germ species. Our 99.9% effectiveness crawls down to 90, then 80, then 70, until you might as well just wash your hands in your own urine.

We, the human race, are then faced with the task of creating new 99.9% solutions, which in turn produces a fresh batch of 0.1 germs that are even stronger. By acting as an agent of natural selection, we sow the seeds of our own pathogenic destruction. At some point, we'll face a germ that kills us all off. This is how the world ends; not with a bang but with a sneeze.

Of course, we may be lucky. The killer germ might only kill 99.9% of humanity, leaving a resistant 0.1% to begin the whole process over again.
THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS
"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens." So what's so great about finding raindrops on roses? All that means is that the weather's too wet to lie outside in the sun. And what's so special about whiskers on kittens? Let's be honest, if you snipped off a cat's whiskers, would you notice? I think not.

No, for truly admirable, I recommend the dandelion. Yes, that ubiquitous yellow weed that infests the earth is surely a masterpiece of evolutionary design. The only sure way of clearing your garden of this wonderous flower is to use napalm and a small, tactical nuclear weapon. And even then, I'd be ready to do a final sweep with a couple of bottles of Round Up. Anyone who hasn't yet replaced their lawn with concrete is aware of the fact that no matter how hard it is to grow the plants you want, growing dandelions is a piece of cake.

Just look at the reproductive capacity of this amazing piece of flora. One dandelion head can give rise to around a hundred tiny seeds, each one designed to be wafted aloft by the breathe of a sparrow, with the ability to travel half way across the world - or at least the neighborhood. Despite the best efforts of mankind, the dandelion has managed to survive time and time again to become an awesomely ubiquitous plant.

And what about fleas? These little buggers are obviously one of mother nature's crown jewels. For every one you find, there has to be ninety-nine more of the bloodsucking bastards just waiting to swoop in and puncture your flesh. You can't catch 'em, squish 'em, or even poison them - they just keep coming back for more. If fleas had hands, they'd have their middle digits permanently erect. As with dandelions, nukes and napalm are your best bet.

Finally, don't forget the cockroach. Just as fleas are designed to be vertically flat so they can weave in and out of animal hairs, cockies are horizontally flat so they scuttle under chairs, floorboards, refrigerators, and beds. If you do manage to get one under your foot, the chances are that you end up spreading their little eggs around, thus ensuring the survival of yet another generation of the revolting little beasts.

You can keep your "bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;" dandelions, cockroaches, and fleas - oh my!

Monday, May 16, 2005

KORAN ROLL: WHAT YOUR LEFT HAND'S FOR
You know the feeling: after a hard month of fasting, getting your bowels back into some type of regular schedule is a real pain. Hours of sitting on the porcelain altar trying to get things moving is cutting into prayer time. And if the toilet isn't facing Mecca... Well, we've all been there, right?

But help is at hand - literally! With new KORAN ROLL, from Infidelco, you can pass gas AND judgement at the same time. Each triple-ply super-soft sheet of KORAN ROLL is printed with an inspring, uplifting verse from the Koran, so you can pray while you stay.

Each random verse is guaranteed to have you submitting to the will of Allah with every wipe. Recall such timeles classics as "[39.53] Say: ...do not despair of the mercy of Allah; surely Allah forgives the faults altogether; surely He is the Forgiving the Merciful," a particularly useful verse to think on just before you kill an infidel. And who can forget "[3.178] And let not those who disbelieve think that Our granting them respite is better for their souls; We grant them respite only that they may add to their sins; and they shall have a disgraceful chastisement," just before going out and killing another infidel.

So, turn your "down time" into "up time" with prayer after prayer, meditation after meditation. Rather than thinking "who left that stain on the damn flooor?" try "[9.73] O Prophet! strive hard against the unbelievers and the hypocrites and be unyielding to them; and their abode is hell, and evil is the destination."

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! For added security, each sheet is printed with the words "wipe with left hand only" to ensure strict observation of protocol. And several sheets before the end, there's a special "Allah is coming - change the roll" reminder to ensure that no-one has to go without their daily dose of divinity.

Send checks and money orders for $10.00 per pack of six to Infidelco, PO Box 666, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.

Coming soon: "Bible Roll" - with extra sheets for the Apochryphal texts!