PETA PROTESTS PISCINE PERSECUTION
PETA's hardline nutballs are out in force to make sure diners at a restaurant in Long Beach, California, don't offend fish. The impious instigator of this action is the Aquarium of the Pacific, and popular SoCal tourist destination. And after a hard afternoon of touring surrounded by plaice, hake, cod, salmon, and many others, what could be more relaxing than to tuck into a tasty fish sandwich.

However, Karen Robinson, who heads up the acronymically impaired Fish Empathy Project for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, said that "Serving fish at an aquarium is like serving poodle burgers at a dog show." Except, of course, that poodle burgers need plent of steak sauce added to make them taste good.

Karen went on to say that recent studies suggest fish are surprisingly "intelligent, sensitive and interesting animals" and that the aquarium was contradicting that message by cooking them for lunch. These are the same aquatic geniuses that apparently have a memory span of five seconds, which accounts for why they appear to be happy in a fish bowl ("Oh, look at that sunken ship, how amazing, and now a plant, and now an exciting plastic sea snail ... and oh, look at that sunken ship ... and now that amazing plant ...")

She continued with "It's easy to think of fish as swimming vegetables but of all the places in the country where fish should get a fair shake it's an aquarium." Well, they apparently do get a fair shake - to slough off excess cooking fat. As nutritionist remind us all, fish protein is damned good for you provided you don't overdo the oil.

Aquarium president, Jerry Schubel, was keen to show the establishment's caring side by saying that they only served sustainable and environmentally friendly fish - lightly breaded with a delicate tartar sauce to bring out the flavor.

Perhaps the members of FEPPETA could focus their attention on the sharks in Florida which seem to be suffering at the hands of brutal humans trying to thrust their body parts inside their jaws. The hapless sharks have a hard time getting bits of meat from between their teeth, so the PETA crew could do some on-the-spot flossing.

Of course, should one of them accidentally get eaten ...