HOW TO TELL IF SHE'S FAKING IT
Men are simple creatures. They are motivated by only three factors; sex, food, and money. And the only reason they want money is to get more sex and food. This basic simplicity is also reflected in their sexual physiology - specifically in relation to orgasms. Considering that the only really value of men is to produce sperm (and chase spiders out of bathrooms) Mother Nature has blessed them with an orgasm that is both easily achieved and very very obvious. As far as men are concerned, the only foreplay needed for arousal is the presence of a female within 50 yards; failing that, a picture can evoke the same response. Then, evidence of the orgasm is marked by vigorous twitching and the release of fluids.

This can all take place in the space of one minute or less, proving that when it comes to the reproduction of the species, men are actually very efficient.

Alas, in contrast to the almost pathetic simplicity of the male, females are deep, mysterious, and unpredictable. Any man who claims to understand women is either lying or mentally deranged. It is against the laws of physics to know what a woman is thinking. Einstein spent most of his life working on the theory of relativity simply because he thought it would be much easier than getting a date.

But help is at hand, thanks to the pioneering work of Professor Gert Holstege and his band of merry men at the University of Groningen, or so says the BBC. After many years of failing to successfully hit on women, Gert turned to neuropsychology as his savior.

Bizarrely, Gert managed to get 13 heterosexual couples to take part in a kinky sex game - oh, sorry, I mean controlled experiment. While one member of a couple laid down in a huge brain scanning machine, the other was allowed to diddle with the scannees naughty parts in an effort to promote an orgasm. In truth, most people would probably find that having their genitals stimulated while having their head stuck inside half a ton of metal might find this something of a turn off.

However, members of the test group seemed to be able to adapt to the unusual situation - especially after they had been allowed to keep their socks on (I kid you not). Once a set of baseline orgasm measures had been taken, women were asked to fake orgasms, whereupon it was found that the ersatz orgasm produced a very different scan pattern. Simply put, it is possible to spot a Meg Ryan without recourse to submitting a woman to a lie detector.

Of course, the notion of "simple" needs to be interpreted with caution. Until some engineers develop a brain scan headset that can be worn unobtrusively yet flash when an orgasm is reached, guys are still going to be unable to work out whether they are studs or duds in the bedroom. As it has always been, men will continue to be left guessing.