HOW TO BURN A FLAG WITHOUT OFFENDING ANYONE
For most thinking individuals, a flag is a piece of cloth with pretty colors that is supposed to stand for a set of ideals, principles, or whatever the designer of the flag wants. According to Semiotic Theory (and I am simplifying things a little here because I am NOT Umberto Eco nor the reincarnation of Charles Peirce)the flag is a signifier and the ideas represented the signified. The hard-of-thinking might want to take a short nap before reading on.

Unfortunately, as we move into the 21st century, we appear to be leaving behind the Age of Reason and heading tragically into the Second Middle Ages. Here, Reason has to give way to the old forces of Prejudice, Ignorance, Superstition, and Sloth - or PISS for short. Armed with these potent weapons, individuals can undo everything humanity has achieved since dropping out the trees and walking upright - although there are those who think even this is too much to take.

So back to flags. Apparently, there are a large number of people in government who feel that burning a piece of cloth is so dangerous to the moral and social climate - with the natural consequence of The End of Civilization As We Know It - that they are seeking, again, to make it punishable by law. By doing this, it is argued, democracy is made safe and God will bless us all with His bounty. In a neat twist of linguistic legerdemain (if you don't know, that's Ignorance at work - and if you can't be bothered to look it up in a dictionary, that's Sloth kicking in - and if you think I'm being condescending and arrogant, say hello to Prejudice) these folks have now defined "censorship" as a legitimate tool for achieving democracy.

It is, of course, important to be working on passing such laws, which helps protect the millions of people who have no health care from being offended by flag burners, and to show potential terrorists that we're going to keep whittling away at that First Amendment until they realise that we can't be frightened into submission. Why waste millions on trying to track down Osama when the real fight is at home against serious and dangerous people who... er... burn flags.

In a semitoic twist that makes a moebius strip seem simple, the signifier has become the signified: the flag itself - the cloth and coloring - has become the ideals, and burning it is seen as literally destroying the ideals it is only supposed to represent.

Take this hypothetical test and see what you think: if aliens from outer space (and believe me, there are folks in these Second Middle Ages who are OK with that) were to make every flag in the US disappear tomorrow, how would that affect your patriotism? Would you say "Ah well, there goes the US - fun while it lasted but that's it" or would you think exactly what you did yesterday?

And has anyone noticed that the Flag Desecration Amendment (yet another great semiotic trick to pull semantic wool over the eyes of the Ignorant and Prejudiced - "desecration" sounds so much more wicked than "burning") doesn't mention what to do about other forms of "desecration?" The US Flag Code is quite explicit about how the flag should NOT be used when it says "The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery" and also "The flag should never be used for advertising purposes in any manner whatsoever. It should not be embroidered on such articles as cushions or handkerchiefs and the like, printed or otherwise impressed on paper napkins or boxes or anything that is designed for temporary use and discard."

Well smack me on the bottom and call me Shirley, but a quick Google search will bring up endless sites with flag-based merchandise that include T-shirts, earrings, ash trays, shot glasses, thongs , bras, boxer shorts, Discover Platinum cards, and others ad nauseam.

Just as semiotics can help us understand why the problem has arisen (the shift of signifier to signified) so can it help in the solution: all we need is to adopt a new signifier for the flag.

Here's my advice to would be flag burners: take a white piece of cloth in the proportions 10:19 and write "US flag" on the front. Then burn it. Simple. The white cloth with the words on it do not conform to any definition of the US flag so you cannot be accused of desecration.

And lest anyone be tempted to drag out that hoary old chestnut "Only someone unpatiotic would agree with flag desecration, so get out of the country," take note that this is called begging the question and owes more to the power of Prejudice and Ignorance than rationale rhetoric. Folks seem to forget that around 200 years ago, a few "unpatriotic" souls began burning Union Jack flags, an action that wasn't banned by the British. Yet no-one calls those revolutionaries unpatriotic.

Sometimes folks forget that freedom doesn't get stolen away for you in one, quick action, but is typically given away piece by insignificant piece until you suddenly turn around and find it's gone. Not with a bang, but with a whimper.