FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCTS FOR MEN
Greater love hath no man for his daughter than to go shopping on her behalf for feminine hygiene products. Armed with nothing more than the instructions "it burns" and "pain," off he dutifully goes in search of a cure.

So here's question number one for all you ladies out there: Is 8:00 a.m. the usual time for you all to go en masse to buy feminine products? Why is the entire pharmaceutical section of Wal-Mart empty except for the area with products my mother never told me about? It's stressful enough trying to both research and buy such products at the same time, but when you're shoulder to shoulder with moms, girls, housewives, mistresses, and female wrestlers, you can't help wonder at what is going through their minds with each glance they give you. In reality, it's pretty likely that they are thinking things like "I wonder if there's anything off eggs this morning?" or "Did Ralph remember to book the car in for a service?" or even "Oh, last time I tried this one I ended up with a purple rash for a week."

Shopping tip for guys in the same predicament: If you need them, always make sure you have your glasses with you. There's nothing more guaranteed to make you even more conspicuous than to have to stand in a group of women holding boxes of "VagiMagic" at arm's length so you can read the instructions. Might as well wear a huge yellow foam arrow on your head and a T-shirt with "Look at me, I'm the weird guy buying women's stuff."

Question number two for all the marketeers: Is it possible to make a feminine product that doesn't have some variation of the word vagina in the title? Truth in advertising is all well and good, but we don't sell AssCreme, DickBeClean, Knob Polish, or I-Can't-Believe-My-Butt-Isn't-Itching-Any-More. Yet everything on the feminine hygiene shelf seems to be called Vagicream, Vagisil, Vagiwipes, Vagisoft, or some other Vagi-prefixed label. Two rows away are the men's intimate products, but not one has the word condom or tallywhacker overcoat in the product name, just Trojan, Trustex, Rough Rider, or Durex.

On to the check-out. With a fistful of Vagi-stuff, guys have to look around frantically for something masculine to add to the mix, otherwise it looks just plain weird. Sadly, Wal-Mart doesn't stock copies of Big Boobies, Schoolgirl Sluts, or Maxim, so the option to assert your primal sexuality by picking up a magazine is somewhat limited. However, good news is that you can pick up a Remington Bolt Action 700 CDL 7MM-08, a Ruger Red Label 20/28 Straight Grip, and copies of Guns and Ammo, Soldier of Fortune, and Branch Davidian Compounds for Dummies.

Let's hope our daughters appreciate all we do for them.