LET'S START THE NEW YEAR WITH A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED LYNCHING
Talk about lost opportunities! Following last year's successful pay-per-view seance with John Lennon, you have to think that someone in the international media would have had the sway and cojones to sign up Saddam Hussein for the first global hanging in human history. But it seems neither Rupert Murdoch nor Al-Jazeera was able to pull off the Big One. No. The kudos goes to some unknown bystander with a cell phone camera who managed to snag some grainy footage of Saddam's Last Stand - followed by his Last Fall.
And clearly the spirit of Capitalism has yet to take a hold in newly democratized Iraq because the phone-toting idiot appears to have passed on the images free to anyone who has an Internet connection. Yeah gods, even Paris Hilton can operate a web browser, and my cat seems to have grasped the fundamentals of point-and-click.
So, no tie-ins with Burger King ("free dangling Saddam with every Kids Meal combo"); no Special Edition T-shirts from Nike ("Just did it!"); no Super Bowl-style multi-million ads between noose-wrapping and lever-pulling ("...we'll be right back to the Big Drop after a word from these sponsors..."); and no Limited Edition Franklin Mint Commemorative Plates ("...and edged in fine, gold leaf, the noose around Saddam's neck is counterpointed by the realistic bulging veins...")
In the rush to get the whole thing over and done with, the Iraqi government simply hustled him away to what looked like a warehouse outhouse and unceremoniously hanged him. If only the US had dropped marketing textbooks instead of bombs, this could have been a major triumph for 21st century television.
And of course, we all know who's to blame for Saddam's death? Yup, that's right - Saddam Hussein. Oh, wait... sorry... I mean George W. Bush and America. His supporters have rallied in the streets to proclaim his innocence and how he has been murdered by Bush and all who sail with him. They, naturally, brush aside Saddam's massacre of Kurds and Iraqis, which was obviously legitimate and ordained by Allah. Yes sir, St. Saddam has been poorly treated by the Infidel.
But didn't Saddam believe he was "destined by God to rule Iraq forever"? Well, it looks like he was stunningly wrong on that score. Doesn't it occur to the Sunnis that maybe Saddam's death is the will of Allah and that Allah was royally pissed off with what Saddam had done to his own people? If Allah loved Saddam so much, how come He allowed him to be bombed, found, tried, sentenced, and hung? Clearly Allah either didn't like Saddam or doesn't exist. The latter appeals to the Bystander.
Still, I'm sure that CafePress.com will soon be hawking the "Saddam's Well Hung" and "Saddam Lives - NOT!" paraphernalia within a week. Oh wait, I'm too late. You can already get the official "Saddam Hussein: Hangman Champ 2007" stuff here, or "Hangin' With Saddam," or even "I HUNG Saddam Hussein and all I got was this stupid SHIRT!"
Now THAT'S what I call Capitalism.