WINE TIPS FOR BEGINNERS
In a world where people want so desperately to be unique, special, and an expert at something, let me proclaim that I am not a wine aficionado. I can’t even spell the word without a dictionary or a spell checker. So it is with this admission in mind that I offer my personal list of essential facts for the budding connoisseur.

• When the guy next to you swooshes the wine around in his mouth and spits it into a bucket, this is GOOD. Do not say “Whoa dude, that bad, huh?”

• When the guy next to you swooshes the whole bottle in his stomach and throws up in a bucket, this is BAD. Do not say “So, an amusing little Merlot, yes?"

• Red wines go with cheeseburgers; white with McNuggets; blush with large pepperoni and extra anchovies. Nothing goes with Taco Bell products.

• It is OK to say that any French wine is undrinkable. That’s because in general it is.

• Do not snigger when someone says they like Australian wine. They may be Australian and they have some innovative ways of opening a bottle.

• Remember, although it may take a lifetime of wines to become a Master Sommelier, it only takes one crate of wine to become a drunk.

• It is NOT acceptable to shake the bottle first, point the cork towards your colleagues, and shout “Look out suckers or you’ll lose an eye!” Unless you are from Dartmouth College.

• Or any other Ivy League College.

• No matter who tells you this, there is no such thing as a green wine; not even in Ireland on St. Patrick’s Day. If the wine is green, do not drink it – period.

• If you’re eating Road Kill, look for wine that comes in a beer bottle and has a label that includes “Grandpa Joe’s…” “Uncle Jim Bob’s…” or “XXX.” Keep the bottles in an ice bucket and be prepared to use the bucket for other things once the wine has gone.

Feel free to share these words of wisdom with any of your friends. Especially the pretentious ones.