THE THINGS WE DO FOR OUR JOBS
Many of us who are dedicated to our work will not only go the extra mile, but do it backwards in snow shoes whilst carrying a backpack full of overweight and extremely frisky groundhogs. When you're sitting in some pokey four-star restaurant in London, San Francisco, New York, Paris, Milan, or some other god-forsaken out-of-the-way slum, you realise how much sacrifice you're having to make in order just to put bread on the table. Why, I'm sure that P-Diddy (Puffy, Puff Daddy, Sean John, or whatever alias he's using at the moment) has those anguished moments of deep angst as he steps of the private jet, boards the limo to the private beach house with the yacht and says "Oh God, why me?"

But consider the supreme selflessness of Tommy Hol Ellingsen, an environmentalist from Norway who is thrusting away at trying to make people take more responsibility for preserving their world. In an effort to promote Green issues, and to raise funds, young Tommy and his girlfriend Leona Johansson have created their very own special website called fuckforforest.com.

All day and everyday, it seems that Tommy and Leona are prepared to bonk themselves stupid in front of a webcam, purely in the interests of the earth. And, for a small donation, you can share in their primal pleasure and not feel guilty because you're doing your bit for the planet. Instead of furtively huddling over a screen in some dimly-lit room, shamefully abusing yourself in response to your over-active sexual urges, you can now stand proud and say "Yes, I too love the earth and want to save the whale."

It's only a matter of time before there's a slew of "Socially-Aware Pornsites" that combine the lowest forms of human erotic behavior with the highest forms of moral sensitivity. A man and a woman will be encouraging you to vote at bonkingforbush.com; two women, one man, and a whip will be soliciting contibutions for battered women support programs at whippingforwomen.com; three men, three women, and a gallon of baby oil will be fund raising for PETA at the orgyfororganisms.com; and six men, four women, two donkeys, one nun, and a midget will be performing on behalf of world peace at letsallgetdownandfreakyinsteadofkillingeachother.com

And should sixteen gals from Hooters be wanting to help the author in his next project to raise awareness for the saving the rainforests, please send photos and vital statistics as soon as possible.