GEICO'S GECKO HAS STICKY FINGERS - ALL THE BETTER FOR GRASPING
Fool me once - shame on you. After watching the cute gecko on the Geico commercials, I was sucked into hitting the web site to see him doing the robot. I should have suspected something amiss when I discovered intially that there was no dancing gecko. Still, they did offer a great quote on my motorcycle insurance that appeared to be substantially less than Progressive's renewal amount.

So, I waited until my Progressive expired - on a Sunday - and applied for a $156-00 from the lizard. Big mistake. Big. Huge!

Seems that if you let your old policy lapse by a few hours, you lose any "discount" that Geico hints at. Progressive ran out at 12:01 a.m. and at 5:00 a.m., or thereabouts, I had signed up for Geico to kick in at 12:01 a.m. - less than 24 hours later.

Alas, my reward for switching was (a) thanks for the $156 - we've taken that off you faster than a gecko can catch flies, and (b) now send us another $16 because you don't get a discount. The "savings" on Progressive suddenly became not so big a deal. Did anyone say "bait-and-switch?" How about "sharp practice?"

Seems that the sticky-fingered gecko is so strapped for cash that it needs $16 so badly it will risk losing a new customer for it. Hard to believe, isn't it, that the friendly gecko turns out to be nothing more than yet another insurance reptile.

Clearly I'm not the first to find this out. A quick web search reveals that the domain name www.geicosucks.com is owned by - yup, Geico! Now there's a company so secure in its dealings that it has to register domain names that people might use as a protest. Geicosux.com appears to be on hold, as does geicoblows.com.

I have encouraged the nice people at Geico to read this blog, just so they can maybe try to understand that business is not just about new customers but also keeping old ones. Whenever someone now types geicosucks.com into a search engine, this blog will respond to the call and folks will see it. Rest assured I'll be making sure that everyone I know gets to hear about Geico's shabby treatment. I know they can waive the $16 if they want and for them to pretend otherwise is churlish, mean-spirited, and not a little disingenuous. To insist on my forking out the $16 is indicative of an attitude - and we can guess what that attitude is.

Fool me once - shame on you: Fool me twice - shame on me. And I'm not going to be a fool again.

MOVE OVER MCDOUGALL - THE MCDONALD'S DIET IS HERE
Morgan Spurlock's movie, Super Size Me, caused something of a mini-sensation when it was released in 2004. In the film, Spurlock revealed that by following a diet of only items available at McDonald's and accepting the super-sized portion if it was offered, he added 25 lbs in 30 days and saw his blood cholesterol go through the proverbial roof. Of course, any rational person would not be surprised by this and to hold Micky D's accountable for the bizarre behavior of stupid fat people is simply crass. Maybe his next movie will see him eating exclusively at Cinnabon and Ben & Jerry's - anyone want to make a guess as to what might happen to his weight?

Well surprise, surprise! Merab Morgan, of Henderson, North Carolina, has taken up the gauntlet against Spurlock and switched to her own "Mc Donald's Diet." Setting a daily target of no more than 1400 calories, Morgan, who has failed at both the Atkin's Diet and Weight Watchers, lost 33 lbs over 67 days while eating nothing but McDonald's food. The trick is to watch those calories and set yourself a target; in Morgan's case, she hopes to lose 40-60 lbs in total.

This is undoubtably great news for junk food junkies, who have been under pressure lately from the Food Nazis who seem to believe that (a) they have the "right formula" for proper nutrition and (b) everyone else should follow it. The "right diet" seems to exclude foods that are tasty in exchange for those that are tasteless, fibrous, and typically eaten by rabbits. And no matter how many times a vegetarian says, "But tofu can taste just like meat," the fact remains that tofu has all the flavor of eight-week-old chewing gum and all the texture of a balloon.

If God had wanted human beings not to eat at McDonald's, he would have created mankind not in his image but in the image of a rabbit. No, God handed out canine teeth for the tearing of flesh, and a long intestinal tract to process animal proteins. Why, on this basis, avoiding meat is almost inhuman!

Undoubtably nutritionist killjoys will be tossing out lists of why the McDonald's diet will not work, but until then, tuck into that Big Mac before the Food Nazis deprive you of yet another small nutritional pleasure.

"Dah dap dap dat daaaaaa .... I'm loving it!"

US LITERACY LEVEL DECLINING
Late last night, I developed an urge for a nice piece of cheddar. I knew there was some in an unopened packet in the refrigerator. So I took it out and tore open the resealable bag.

What caught my eye was some writing on the packaging: "America spell cheese K*R*A*F*T" Mmmh, I don't think so. I believe America spells cheese "c*h*e*e*s*e," otherwise, the label would have read "America spells kraft K*R*A*F*T."

This sort of mistake is up there with the creeping mispronunciation of words that have a clear, unambiguous spelling. Take the word "caramel" as an example. It has a no-brainer of a structure - three syllables "ca," "ra," and "mel." Yet why do some folks insist on saying "carmel?" Fine if we're talking about the northern California town where Clint Eastwood made everyone's day by serving as mayor for a short time; but if you're in Starbucks asking for a syrup shot, it's "ca-ra-mel," stupid.

And let's not even go there with George W.'s "nookyooluh" pronunciation. I mean, look at the word: "nuclear." What's the problem? It has two bits - "nu" as in "nu," and "clear" as in "clear." I suppose it's at least support for the "No Child Left Behind" idea because as far as learning the Enlgish language is concerned, W was obviously left behind.

Pedantic, moi? heaven forbid.

POPE READY TO GO BACK TO BOOK BURNING?
It seems like the new Pope Benedict XVI isn't going to be lining up to buy a first copy of the imminent Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Nor is he likely to be attending the release of the next Harry Potter movie dressed as a wizard (you know the look - long robes, pointy hat, big stick. Oh wait, maybe he will!)

German writer, Gabriele Kuby, has written a book entitled Harry Potter: Good or Bad, in which she refers to comments from a certain Cardinal Joseph Alois Ratzinger made in 2003. At that time, the nascent Pope Benedict said, "It is good that you explain the facts of Harry Potter, because this is a subtle seduction, which has deeply unnoticed and direct effects in undermining the soul of Christianity before it can really grow properly."

So there you have it: Benny says "No" to Harry. Of course, he'd be very happy if kids all over the world were to be eagerly awaiting the next reprint of the Bible, which contains more sex, violence, wickedry, and debauchery than any Harry Potter novel. And what's more shocking is that Benny would claim that unlike Potter novels, the Bible is true. In which case, maybe it should be added to the Vatican's list of unapproved books.

Strangely enough, in Germany, the author who knocked the previous Potter book from the number one spot was one written by Benny himself - hyped up as a result of his becoming Pope. There were no reports of thousands of children dressed as Popes spending all evening waiting for a midnight release. Shame.

Another book that has apparently raised the Vatican's collective gorge is the popular The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, a novel castigated by Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone as being full of ''gross lies and manipulations." Well pardon me for sounding stupid, but the fact that the book is billed and sold as a novel should be something of a giveaway here. Novels are supposed to be full of lies and manipulations, otherwise they're called "non-fiction histories."

The real danger in a Harry Potter book seems to be the damage it could cause to your head if it was dropped from a height. Pound for pound, the Potter hardbacks have always been value for money. And once you've read it, you can always use it as a doorstop.

As for claims of encouraging witchcraft and devil worship, methinks that some folks really need to move on from the Middle Ages and get a grip.

IT'S OFFICIAL - THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON; OR AT LEAST BEATEN SNOOP DOGG
As the plucky Brits were getting out of their beds on Friday morning, then hopping on the buses as usual in order to get to work, Snoop Doggy Dogg was doing his bit to fight the war on terror: he cancelled his up-coming concert in Manchester, UK. Clearly Snoop is having delusions of grandeur, imagining that he is the sort of high collateral target that fanatical terrorists would be after.

And as the leaders of the G8 nations continue to meet in Edinburgh, terrorists are obviously more intent on grabbing Snoop and holding him for ransom. Why, if such a thing was to happen, George W. would have no choice but to accede to any demands rather than see such an important and key political figure be harmed. Since his phenomenally successful political dissection of world sexual politics in Girls Gone Wild: Doggy Style, Snoop's value to hostage takers has evidently increased.

Of course, Snoop may have the usual Ameri-centric view of geography that puts just about anywhere in England as being near London. The 300+ miles distance between London and Manchester prbably hasn't registered with this "soldier" of rap. And for all his bleating about how tough it is on the streets, how it's critical to have a "nine" in your pocket in case you need to "bust a cap on someone's ass," standing on a stage hundreds of miles from where a terror attack took place is much too risky.

Hey, it's one thing to talk about fighting for your rights, but when the going gets tough, Snoop gets out.

Meanwhile Londoners go back to work, stoic as ever, cocking a snook at any attempts to induce fear and terror. Maybe Al Qaeda would be better of concentrating on a few celebs - and maybe most people could offer them a list to choose from!

NASA'S $300 MILLION BLUNDER - PERHAPS
After the semi-success of the movie "Deep Impact," NASA felt compelled to provide the definitive 2005 remake in the form of their Deep Impact probe. Aimed at the poor, defenseless comet, Tempel 1, Deep Impact smacked into the heart of the wandering body only a few days ago, the purpose of which was either to gain invaluable knowledge about the composition of the universe or to practice interplanetary skeet shooting. The latter, of course, will prove invaluable in the event of an alien attack.

But tragedy was to strike. Not NASA, but Russian astrologer Marina Bai. Unable to predict that a probe was due to hit the comet, the destruction of the icy snowball was, astrologically speaking, a catastrophe of the first order. Apparently her entire future has been wiped out, and all bets are off for anyone who has received a personal reading from her.

According to Bai, "It is obvious that elements of the comet's orbit, and correspondingly the ephemeris, will change after the explosion, which interferes with my astrology work and distorts my horoscope." Pity that the event in itself wasn't so obvious to so skilled an astrologer.

Based on calculations of lost earnings, she is suing NASA for $300 million dollars. Clearly she's currently charging around $50,000 per horoscope, although considering her inability to predict the cometary demise, you have to think some of her clients might want their money back.

Perhaps her next horoscope will tell her whether she's likely to win the case. Or maybe NASA are now planning to scupper her chances of successfully suing by sending Deep Impact II straight for Mars - that should mess up her charts even more.

MORE FINGER-LICKIN' OFFERINGS - THIS TIME FROM APPLEBEES
Hot (or more accurately cold) on the trail of the finger-enhanced bowl of chili from Wendy's, a woman in New Orleans is suing Applebees restaurant for allegedly serving her a salad with a deceased digit plopped on top. As with the Wendy's case, no-one has yet stepped - or screamed - forward to claim their finger back.

May Deal Chambers Johnson is claiming that she suffered physical and psychological harm after finding the offending body part in a take-out salad. The lawsuit includes the accusation that Applebees failed "to prevent the inclusion of a human fingertip in a salad to go."

Now call me stupid, but how on earth can a finger "accidentally" drop into a salad? Do Applebees have a policy of employing lepers? ("Sorry, Boss, I didn't realize it was missing.") Or maybe Hannibal Lecter has recently been employed as a sous-chef. Whatever the reason, you have to think that it is relatively difficult to (a) pop body parts into take-away food and (b) find a spare body part that no-one is missing ("Hey, I just noticed - my weener's been missing for a couple of weeks. Anyone seen it around?")

Coming so soon after the Wendy's episode, you have to think that if this woman is trying to pull some sort of scam - and we can suspend judgment for a couple of weeks at least - then this has to be one of the most untimely scams ever. There's also the whole notion of why anyone should get any money for "distress" because of a finger tip. Granted it may be a little gross, but she's not dead, dying, huddled in a ball and screaming, or starving to death. Looking at the TV news clip recently, she appears to have been able to go out and get her hair done and able to smile for the cameras.

Still, for those of you who have said "I'd give my right arm for a million bucks," all you need do is toss the said appendage into some fast-food value meal and your wish just might come true.

PETA PROTESTS PISCINE PERSECUTION
PETA's hardline nutballs are out in force to make sure diners at a restaurant in Long Beach, California, don't offend fish. The impious instigator of this action is the Aquarium of the Pacific, and popular SoCal tourist destination. And after a hard afternoon of touring surrounded by plaice, hake, cod, salmon, and many others, what could be more relaxing than to tuck into a tasty fish sandwich.

However, Karen Robinson, who heads up the acronymically impaired Fish Empathy Project for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, said that "Serving fish at an aquarium is like serving poodle burgers at a dog show." Except, of course, that poodle burgers need plent of steak sauce added to make them taste good.

Karen went on to say that recent studies suggest fish are surprisingly "intelligent, sensitive and interesting animals" and that the aquarium was contradicting that message by cooking them for lunch. These are the same aquatic geniuses that apparently have a memory span of five seconds, which accounts for why they appear to be happy in a fish bowl ("Oh, look at that sunken ship, how amazing, and now a plant, and now an exciting plastic sea snail ... and oh, look at that sunken ship ... and now that amazing plant ...")

She continued with "It's easy to think of fish as swimming vegetables but of all the places in the country where fish should get a fair shake it's an aquarium." Well, they apparently do get a fair shake - to slough off excess cooking fat. As nutritionist remind us all, fish protein is damned good for you provided you don't overdo the oil.

Aquarium president, Jerry Schubel, was keen to show the establishment's caring side by saying that they only served sustainable and environmentally friendly fish - lightly breaded with a delicate tartar sauce to bring out the flavor.

Perhaps the members of FEPPETA could focus their attention on the sharks in Florida which seem to be suffering at the hands of brutal humans trying to thrust their body parts inside their jaws. The hapless sharks have a hard time getting bits of meat from between their teeth, so the PETA crew could do some on-the-spot flossing.

Of course, should one of them accidentally get eaten ...

HOW TO BURN A FLAG WITHOUT OFFENDING ANYONE
For most thinking individuals, a flag is a piece of cloth with pretty colors that is supposed to stand for a set of ideals, principles, or whatever the designer of the flag wants. According to Semiotic Theory (and I am simplifying things a little here because I am NOT Umberto Eco nor the reincarnation of Charles Peirce)the flag is a signifier and the ideas represented the signified. The hard-of-thinking might want to take a short nap before reading on.

Unfortunately, as we move into the 21st century, we appear to be leaving behind the Age of Reason and heading tragically into the Second Middle Ages. Here, Reason has to give way to the old forces of Prejudice, Ignorance, Superstition, and Sloth - or PISS for short. Armed with these potent weapons, individuals can undo everything humanity has achieved since dropping out the trees and walking upright - although there are those who think even this is too much to take.

So back to flags. Apparently, there are a large number of people in government who feel that burning a piece of cloth is so dangerous to the moral and social climate - with the natural consequence of The End of Civilization As We Know It - that they are seeking, again, to make it punishable by law. By doing this, it is argued, democracy is made safe and God will bless us all with His bounty. In a neat twist of linguistic legerdemain (if you don't know, that's Ignorance at work - and if you can't be bothered to look it up in a dictionary, that's Sloth kicking in - and if you think I'm being condescending and arrogant, say hello to Prejudice) these folks have now defined "censorship" as a legitimate tool for achieving democracy.

It is, of course, important to be working on passing such laws, which helps protect the millions of people who have no health care from being offended by flag burners, and to show potential terrorists that we're going to keep whittling away at that First Amendment until they realise that we can't be frightened into submission. Why waste millions on trying to track down Osama when the real fight is at home against serious and dangerous people who... er... burn flags.

In a semitoic twist that makes a moebius strip seem simple, the signifier has become the signified: the flag itself - the cloth and coloring - has become the ideals, and burning it is seen as literally destroying the ideals it is only supposed to represent.

Take this hypothetical test and see what you think: if aliens from outer space (and believe me, there are folks in these Second Middle Ages who are OK with that) were to make every flag in the US disappear tomorrow, how would that affect your patriotism? Would you say "Ah well, there goes the US - fun while it lasted but that's it" or would you think exactly what you did yesterday?

And has anyone noticed that the Flag Desecration Amendment (yet another great semiotic trick to pull semantic wool over the eyes of the Ignorant and Prejudiced - "desecration" sounds so much more wicked than "burning") doesn't mention what to do about other forms of "desecration?" The US Flag Code is quite explicit about how the flag should NOT be used when it says "The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery" and also "The flag should never be used for advertising purposes in any manner whatsoever. It should not be embroidered on such articles as cushions or handkerchiefs and the like, printed or otherwise impressed on paper napkins or boxes or anything that is designed for temporary use and discard."

Well smack me on the bottom and call me Shirley, but a quick Google search will bring up endless sites with flag-based merchandise that include T-shirts, earrings, ash trays, shot glasses, thongs , bras, boxer shorts, Discover Platinum cards, and others ad nauseam.

Just as semiotics can help us understand why the problem has arisen (the shift of signifier to signified) so can it help in the solution: all we need is to adopt a new signifier for the flag.

Here's my advice to would be flag burners: take a white piece of cloth in the proportions 10:19 and write "US flag" on the front. Then burn it. Simple. The white cloth with the words on it do not conform to any definition of the US flag so you cannot be accused of desecration.

And lest anyone be tempted to drag out that hoary old chestnut "Only someone unpatiotic would agree with flag desecration, so get out of the country," take note that this is called begging the question and owes more to the power of Prejudice and Ignorance than rationale rhetoric. Folks seem to forget that around 200 years ago, a few "unpatriotic" souls began burning Union Jack flags, an action that wasn't banned by the British. Yet no-one calls those revolutionaries unpatriotic.

Sometimes folks forget that freedom doesn't get stolen away for you in one, quick action, but is typically given away piece by insignificant piece until you suddenly turn around and find it's gone. Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

HOW TO TELL IF SHE'S FAKING IT
Men are simple creatures. They are motivated by only three factors; sex, food, and money. And the only reason they want money is to get more sex and food. This basic simplicity is also reflected in their sexual physiology - specifically in relation to orgasms. Considering that the only really value of men is to produce sperm (and chase spiders out of bathrooms) Mother Nature has blessed them with an orgasm that is both easily achieved and very very obvious. As far as men are concerned, the only foreplay needed for arousal is the presence of a female within 50 yards; failing that, a picture can evoke the same response. Then, evidence of the orgasm is marked by vigorous twitching and the release of fluids.

This can all take place in the space of one minute or less, proving that when it comes to the reproduction of the species, men are actually very efficient.

Alas, in contrast to the almost pathetic simplicity of the male, females are deep, mysterious, and unpredictable. Any man who claims to understand women is either lying or mentally deranged. It is against the laws of physics to know what a woman is thinking. Einstein spent most of his life working on the theory of relativity simply because he thought it would be much easier than getting a date.

But help is at hand, thanks to the pioneering work of Professor Gert Holstege and his band of merry men at the University of Groningen, or so says the BBC. After many years of failing to successfully hit on women, Gert turned to neuropsychology as his savior.

Bizarrely, Gert managed to get 13 heterosexual couples to take part in a kinky sex game - oh, sorry, I mean controlled experiment. While one member of a couple laid down in a huge brain scanning machine, the other was allowed to diddle with the scannees naughty parts in an effort to promote an orgasm. In truth, most people would probably find that having their genitals stimulated while having their head stuck inside half a ton of metal might find this something of a turn off.

However, members of the test group seemed to be able to adapt to the unusual situation - especially after they had been allowed to keep their socks on (I kid you not). Once a set of baseline orgasm measures had been taken, women were asked to fake orgasms, whereupon it was found that the ersatz orgasm produced a very different scan pattern. Simply put, it is possible to spot a Meg Ryan without recourse to submitting a woman to a lie detector.

Of course, the notion of "simple" needs to be interpreted with caution. Until some engineers develop a brain scan headset that can be worn unobtrusively yet flash when an orgasm is reached, guys are still going to be unable to work out whether they are studs or duds in the bedroom. As it has always been, men will continue to be left guessing.

GETTING THE COUNTRY OFF ITS KNEES - OR BACK ON THEM?
In the US, one of the options for dealing with the unemployed homeless is to ship them to California, preferably Santa Monica, where they may still be homeless, but they can at least look tanned and healthy.

But in Dresden, Germany, local businesswoman Silvia Rau has another option for keeping the unemployed off the street: subsidised sex. At the Villa Bijou brothel, showing your unemployment card will get you a 20% discount on services rendered. In the true spirit of humanity, the local prostitutes' union decided that one way of helping the "long-term unemployed out of their depression" is to offer discount doggy-style and concessionary copulation.

Rau is also hoping to reverse the flaccid number of clients frequenting her establishment. The average has drooped from 150 per month to only 80, so cut-price coitus is seen as a way of swelling those figures, thrusting forward with firmer customer numbers and rock-solid profitability.

Doubtless US lawmakers - and Nevada entrepreneurs - are looking at similar ways to arouse new business. If enough people were eligible for low-cost bonking, then the accompanying rise in support services could be immeasurable. Condom sales, lubricants, STD clinic out-patient fees, penicillin sales - the list is endless.

Kudos to Ms. Rau for coming up with such a spirited solution to the problem of unemployment.

99.9% ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH
Standing at the urinal, taking care of business, I noticed that the soap available for the post-urination ablutions confidently proclaimed it would kill 99.9% of all germs. That many, huh?

But it isn't those 99.9% that you have to worry about; it's the other 0.1% that live on. Think about it - you've managed to kill off the pathetically weak germs, living only the strong behind. And what do those strong germs then do? That's right: bonk themselves stupid to create new germs, some of which are now able to resist the 99.9% soap.

Over time, only those germs that are strong enough to resist the disinfectant and breed become the dominant germ species. Our 99.9% effectiveness crawls down to 90, then 80, then 70, until you might as well just wash your hands in your own urine.

We, the human race, are then faced with the task of creating new 99.9% solutions, which in turn produces a fresh batch of 0.1 germs that are even stronger. By acting as an agent of natural selection, we sow the seeds of our own pathogenic destruction. At some point, we'll face a germ that kills us all off. This is how the world ends; not with a bang but with a sneeze.

Of course, we may be lucky. The killer germ might only kill 99.9% of humanity, leaving a resistant 0.1% to begin the whole process over again.

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS
"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens." So what's so great about finding raindrops on roses? All that means is that the weather's too wet to lie outside in the sun. And what's so special about whiskers on kittens? Let's be honest, if you snipped off a cat's whiskers, would you notice? I think not.

No, for truly admirable, I recommend the dandelion. Yes, that ubiquitous yellow weed that infests the earth is surely a masterpiece of evolutionary design. The only sure way of clearing your garden of this wonderous flower is to use napalm and a small, tactical nuclear weapon. And even then, I'd be ready to do a final sweep with a couple of bottles of Round Up. Anyone who hasn't yet replaced their lawn with concrete is aware of the fact that no matter how hard it is to grow the plants you want, growing dandelions is a piece of cake.

Just look at the reproductive capacity of this amazing piece of flora. One dandelion head can give rise to around a hundred tiny seeds, each one designed to be wafted aloft by the breathe of a sparrow, with the ability to travel half way across the world - or at least the neighborhood. Despite the best efforts of mankind, the dandelion has managed to survive time and time again to become an awesomely ubiquitous plant.

And what about fleas? These little buggers are obviously one of mother nature's crown jewels. For every one you find, there has to be ninety-nine more of the bloodsucking bastards just waiting to swoop in and puncture your flesh. You can't catch 'em, squish 'em, or even poison them - they just keep coming back for more. If fleas had hands, they'd have their middle digits permanently erect. As with dandelions, nukes and napalm are your best bet.

Finally, don't forget the cockroach. Just as fleas are designed to be vertically flat so they can weave in and out of animal hairs, cockies are horizontally flat so they scuttle under chairs, floorboards, refrigerators, and beds. If you do manage to get one under your foot, the chances are that you end up spreading their little eggs around, thus ensuring the survival of yet another generation of the revolting little beasts.

You can keep your "bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;" dandelions, cockroaches, and fleas - oh my!

KORAN ROLL: WHAT YOUR LEFT HAND'S FOR
You know the feeling: after a hard month of fasting, getting your bowels back into some type of regular schedule is a real pain. Hours of sitting on the porcelain altar trying to get things moving is cutting into prayer time. And if the toilet isn't facing Mecca... Well, we've all been there, right?

But help is at hand - literally! With new KORAN ROLL, from Infidelco, you can pass gas AND judgement at the same time. Each triple-ply super-soft sheet of KORAN ROLL is printed with an inspring, uplifting verse from the Koran, so you can pray while you stay.

Each random verse is guaranteed to have you submitting to the will of Allah with every wipe. Recall such timeles classics as "[39.53] Say: ...do not despair of the mercy of Allah; surely Allah forgives the faults altogether; surely He is the Forgiving the Merciful," a particularly useful verse to think on just before you kill an infidel. And who can forget "[3.178] And let not those who disbelieve think that Our granting them respite is better for their souls; We grant them respite only that they may add to their sins; and they shall have a disgraceful chastisement," just before going out and killing another infidel.

So, turn your "down time" into "up time" with prayer after prayer, meditation after meditation. Rather than thinking "who left that stain on the damn flooor?" try "[9.73] O Prophet! strive hard against the unbelievers and the hypocrites and be unyielding to them; and their abode is hell, and evil is the destination."

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! For added security, each sheet is printed with the words "wipe with left hand only" to ensure strict observation of protocol. And several sheets before the end, there's a special "Allah is coming - change the roll" reminder to ensure that no-one has to go without their daily dose of divinity.

Send checks and money orders for $10.00 per pack of six to Infidelco, PO Box 666, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.

Coming soon: "Bible Roll" - with extra sheets for the Apochryphal texts!

NAZI PRINCE OR CLOWN PRINCE?
With an estimated 250,000 people dead after the tsunami in south-east asia, you have to be stunned by the amount of interest generated by an individual who dresses up as a Nazi at a costume party. Calls for censure, forced reparations, and public flogging not withstanding, this storm in a teacup is trivial beyond belief. It stands a good chance of becoming a texbook example of "Semiotics in Action:Conflicts between the Signifier and the Signified."

It's pretty clear to anyone with only half a brain that the hapless royal was indulging in joke. Admittedly for some it might seem to be in bad taste, but then who said humor can't be brutal. My guess is that at the same costume party there was at least one Napoleon, some Saddam Husseins, and a couple of Genghis Khans. All of these have been responsible for human tragedy, yet no word on anyone else at the party being pilloried by the press.

The whole point of a costume party, apart from getting roaring drunk and groping members of the opposite sex, is to dress up as figures of fun. Problems only arise when particular groups don't see the humor.

Chief Rabbi Dr Jonathan Sacks said: "This has offended members of the Jewish community and beyond. The wearing of a swastika was in extremely poor taste and I note that Prince Harry has recognised this." Really, Rabbi Sacks? And you are the arbiter of taste? Mel Gibson's Braveheart and The Patriot painted the Brits as bloodthirsty aggressors worthy of being castigated, yet I heard no public outcry about this. Until, of course, Mel brought out The Passion... and suddenly it was "anti-semitic" and once again the world had to be reminded of Nazi Germany and the suffering of the Jews.

Folks, we all know about the Holocaust, we all know the tragedy, and we all want to ensure it doesn't happen again. But when some kid dresses in a Nazi uniform for a party, it isn't the sign of the apocalypse and it doesn't herald the dawn of the Fourth Reich. Gee, I'm sorry some folks get offended by cynical humor, but that's just too bad - get over it.

And am I anti-semitic? Actually, I'm just misanthropic - I hate everyone! I'm anti folks who want to curtail freedom of speech and expression, regardless of their religion or politics. And telling me that dressing up as a Nazi is wrong is precisely that. What right has ANYONE to tell the Prince that he HAS to visit Auschwitz to atone for his behavior? I don't see folks screaming that George Bush should have to visit Abu Ghraib to see the effect his pre-emptive strike on Iraq has had on enemy combatants.

So just in case the press wants to follow ME for a story, at the next costume party I am invited to, I intend to dress as Mohammed, which should earn me the approbation of the Muslim community, and possibly a fatwah. Then I'll do the drunken Jesus act, just so I can also be hated by the Christian element too. By then, I will be labelled as anti-semitic, anti-muslim, and anti-christian, therefore becoming a pariah to the major faiths of the world.

Oh, and Buddha was just a big fat slob who talked in riddles because he was a cretin. Such a fine line between stupid and clever.

TIME TO TRADE IN THE MINIVAN, GUYS
It's a time-honored observation that the size of a man's car is inversely proportional to the size of his meat-and-two-veg. Good news for you mini cooper drivers. Of course, few researchers have tried to verify this lately: "Excuse me sir, would you mind helping in a survey by stepping out of your Ford Escort and flopping out your wedding tackle?"

However, the perverts who write for the German magazine, "Men's Car," did exactly that - or maybe something similar. They surveyed over 2000 men aged between 20 and 50 and asked them (a) what car they drove and (b) how frequently they had sex. Top of the list are BMW owners who manage a pulse-pounding 2.2 times per week, the 0.2 presumably a valiant attempt to reach three. Coming second (or at least twice) are Audi guys, slipping behind with an average 2.1.

Ford drivers came fourth at 1.7 and owners of Korean cars came last, managing a mere 1.5 times per week. Jeep drivers, my own mode of four-wheel transportation, didn't even score - which sounds about right!

Should you ladies feel neglected, bear in mind that French car drivers scored highest at 2.1, Audi drivers could get it on twice, and Porsche gals could only pop for 1.2 times.

But for me, even more interesting is the statistic that female BMW drivers have sex 1.9 times per week. Now, if they are asking couples who share a car, it seems that German men are having sex 0.3 times per week NOT with their spouses. Whether this is because they are (a) having an affair or (b) flying solo remains unanswered.

Of course, for those of you reading this who are thinking "damn, if I could get it 0.3 times per week on average I'd be happy," it may be that the only thing this survey tells us is that German men exaggerate and lie.

YOU DID SAY YOU WANTED IT FRESH, YES?
It seems that air travel is fraught with danger these days - and not only from terrorists. It appears that a new source of horror should be added to the traveler's list: whistling tree frogs.

On a routine flight between Melbourne, Australia, and Wellington, New Zealand, a Qantas airlines passenger was handed her special order salad - only to find that it was NOT the vegetarian option she was expecting. Lurking behind the lettuce was a small and uninvited whistling tree frog. And no doubt in keeping with a Qantas policy of delivering food that's as fresh as possible, the aforementioned amphibian was not even dead. Holy slimy sushi, Batman!

Before the hapless hopper could do any serious damage - such as leaping out of the box, gunning down a few passengers, and forcing the pilots to take the plane to Cuba - the quick-thinking passenger slammed the lid back down and alerted the flight attendents.

Thanks to intensive training in counter terrorism, the attendents ensured that the frog was speedily hustled into a refrigerator and, alas, subjected to a slow death by freezing. PETA should take note of this egregious act of barbarism against an innocent animal.

Once the plane had landed, a Qantas SWAT team apparantly swept through the airplane to round up any other members of the "Tree Frog Liberation Army," but none was found. Thankfully this appears to be a lone whistler, working in isolation, and as yet, no links to Al Qa'ida have been found.

A spokesman for the airline said that they had changed supplier in February. Perhaps the new supplier is the same one that supplies Air France, where frogs in your salad are standard and passengers complain if they don't find one.

Oh, and the report didn't note whether the box came marked as "Atkins Friendly," which I'm sure a whisting tree frog is - so long as you avoid the dressing.

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OH THE PAIN! PASS THE OXYCONTIN
Has anyone noticed that since Rush Limbaugh came out with regard to his "addiction to prescription drugs" that he seems to have changed his notion of drug abuser? There's a hint of compassion towards the folks who were previously just left-wing junky whackos who should be put against a wall and shot before they start mugging old people, molesting children, and eating babies.

Now the prosecutors in the case against him for allegedly obtaining drugs illegally are seeking access to his private medical records. And guess who is leaping to Rush's defense? Yes, none other than the scourge of decent, honest, god-fearing republicans - the American Civil Liberties Union. The very group whom Rush regularly pillories as nothing more than the agents of the Beast, here to bring the Apocalyspe and the End of Civilization as we know it, is standing up for Limbaugh's right to privacy.

They see the prosecution's case as stepping far beyond what is constitutional and will defend Rush in his attempt to keep his records secret.

I'm not one to crow, dear reader, but the expression "grinning like a Cheshire cat" springs to mind when I try to describe how I feel. I look forward to future EIB broadcasts when Rush has to acknowledge a debt toward the legions of Hell.

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING
In the somewhat successful attempt to circumvent spam checkers and simple filtering, spammers are pretty good at using mis-spellings that can be easily recognized and corrected by humans, but present real challenges to computers. Instead of using "Viagra," "Hot Stock Tip," and "Donkey Sex," suitable alternatives include "V-Y-aggra," "h0t st0k t1p" and "Sex with donkeys." OK, so maybe the latter wouldn't work, but you, dear reader, can work out an alternative for yourself.

But hurrah, hurrah! It seems like "Truth in Advertising" may be making a come-back. This morning I found an e-mail headed "would you like a larger penis?" from someone called "penisdoctor." Well, I almost fell over my crates of Viagra and donkey sex video pile. At last, someone with the guts to be honest. Make no mistake, when you get a letter from someone called "penisdoctor," you can be pretty damn sure he ain't selling flowers!

So now I look forward to future posts along the lines of "wanthugetits" from "missbigboobs," "cheapbutdefinitelyNOTstolenviagra" from "sexdrugseller," and "seemypicturesofhotdonkeys" from "donkey bonker."